Why?

There is always that lingering question with anything that happens in our lives of why me, why us, why now, searching and wondering for a reason why we lost someone we love.

I can think of nothing worse.

Losing someone who is close to is like losing a piece of your heart. And when there is now explanation, no reason, it is hard to come to terms with it.

A couple of years ago, I lost a piece of my heart. One of the cornerstones actually. And I while I no longer cry at a Wendy's frosty commercial, and I can now drink slurpees and listen to Tupac again, I will never be completely at piece as to why this man is gone.

He was in the military. And he died a hero.

For what reason, this is not enough of an explanation. It is not enough to me to hear people say he died for his country and he will always be remember for his selflessness, his courage and his valor.

I will never understand why people put themselves in that line of work. I get the premise behind it for sure. But in my heart, I could never be that person. I could never give my life for my country; maybe that makes me selfish.

Or maybe I miss my friend. My brother really. I miss his laugh. I miss our midnight slurpee runs where we would spend hours just walking and talking. I miss knowing he is only a phone call away. I miss his hugs when I am feeling blue - like right now.

However, when I think about the alternative outcome, a possible paralysis that would've inhibited him from enjoying his life and doing the things he loved, I think maybe that would've been worse...?

I guess I don't know. I can't argue what could've been because he is gone. He will never play hockey again. He will never show up at my house with a frosty and a smile. And he will never tell me he loves me again. And I guess I miss the strength he gave me to be brave, to push through the hard times and to come out of it smiling.

I know he is with me always and I feel him everyday in the little ways he reminds me of our friendship, our love and our bond.

But really, without a reason as to why he was taken so young and so soon, I don't know if I can ever really come to terms with his being gone. He will always be a what if for me; and that is what hurts the most.

The wondering of what could've been and the future we could've had. Together.

- xoxo

Fairytales.

The classic question has come up again in my life: He loves me? He loves me not? C'mon, we all remember that scene from The Little Mermaid where Ariel picks flower petals asking whether or not Eric loves her...

I find I get attached to certain people pretty quick. I guess it's b/c I feel something electric, something unusual but good. A feeling I want to hold on to and never let go. A feeling that just makes all the crap in life disappear.

We've all had those feelings with a man. Some of us are even lucky enough to have that man in our life still.

I, however, have had no such luck in this area. It seems that every time I get comfortable enough with a man to really be myself, with no walls or secrets, somehow this man gets away. Who's fault is it, I don't know. I might never know. I'm told that's the fun of dating...HA!!

I have always believed when I meet the man I am going to share my life with, I will just know. But, that belief has been wavering recently. I find that the people who have known me a long time, really understand me and why I am the way I am, and these are the people I will always have in my life. Which is why, I have gotten it in my head, again, that I want to be with a certain man. A man who I have always had chemistry with, a man I am extremely attracted to, and a man who is almost my complete opposite.

Regardless of that, he makes me feel safe, comfortable and I know I can be myself without any judgement. Ok, maybe he judges me, but he also knows that I will never change and he's ok with it. I have known him for about 13 years so I'm not surprised he knows me this well.

We have had obstacles before and there will be more I'm sure. All I want to know right now is: does he want to hold on to the chemistry and attraction we share for one another? Does he want to keep the laughter, the sarcasm, and the natural comfort we have together? And is he willing to take a leap of faith and give us a chance?

That's not too much to ask right?! I know, I've said that before. :-) But, until these questions are answered, until I know one way or the other if he wants to be with me, I will never stop asking or wondering.

Or maybe it's all in my head, and what we shared those few nights was random and never going to progress beyond that. Maybe I should just treasure those memories and his friendship.

But, now that I think of it, we're not really friends. We're...in limbo. We're not together, and we're not friends. We're just two people trying to figure ourselves out and whenever we get together, amazing things happen. Why are we fighting it??

I'm choosing to stay optimistic. I believe we will figure ourselves out, one way or the other. And I will be happy just to know the answer to my 13-year question. I am secretly hoping for the fairytale ending of course...but don't we all?

- xoxo

One Word.

We all have something inside that we cling to, that makes us who we are.

It is what's missing when we're feeling lost, what makes us feel happy, and what ultimately helps guide us through our lives.

And it can be summed up with one word.

You live by it, you know it's a part of you, but most of us have a hard time figuring out what it is. We experiment with a different variety of personalities and interests until we finally realize what is the one thing that we keep turning back to.

For me, it's passion. A passion for learning, experiencing and feeling every moment as much as I can. A passion for the one I love, the people in my life and the family I have made along the way.

Living without regrets. Telling someone I love them. Doing something that scares me.
Passion is what gives me courage, what helps me speak my mind and to be true to myself.

I have this fire inside me that drives me and keeps me going. I have lost it once or twice in my life. I have also met people that have ignited it more than I could've ever imagined. I felt the happiest and laughed more than I can remember during those times.

Those are the moments to hold onto. And those are the moments that make me smile when I am crying, make me laugh when I am sad and help me find my way, when the way out just seems impossible.

Passion is my soul. It is who I am. I can't do anything in my life that I am not passionate about, because I would be lying to myself. I trust my gut feelings, regardless of the outcome. I know if I don't take the risk I will regret not knowing the outcome. I would rather know than not jump in and experience what could have been.

It is a passion for what may be; I guess I am a hopeless dreamer and will always believe in forever and happy endings. I know this because when I think of instances like those, I smile and my whole body and mind seem at peace. Like I am calm and quiet. The chaos of the outside world just drifts away and for those moments I am truly happy. It is this drive, this feeling, this passion, that keeps me true to myself.

One word is all it takes to define me. What's your word?

- xoxo

To travel: yes or no?

What do you do when you have no idea what step to take next?

And on that note, how am I supposed to know what the next step to take? It's not like life came with a guidebook...wouldn't that make life easier though?

Just imagine it: here is an outline of how you should TRY to live your life, what age to try drugs for the first time, have sex for the first time, drink alcohol, drive, etc.

Man, wouldn't that take all the fun out of life!!!

However, sometimes that is how life can feel. You know the feeling: you've graduated from University (first, second or third time doesn't matter), and now it is just 'normal' to start in your career, settle down with the love of your life, buy a house and a car, and start a family.

Why is this the norm?

Not that I have anything against. Au contraire, I would like this life one day. But I'm not rushing myself, and I'm certainly not going to put that kind of pressure on myself.

Because I might end with something I don't really want.

Shouldn't we pursue our passions, be it music, travel, dancing, writing, whatever. Shouldn't we be celebrated because we are happy in our lives with what we are doing and how we are living.

I often feel like I am judged - maybe judged is the wrong word - pitied, felt sorry for when people hear my educational background and yet I am working at a coffee shop making minimum wage. Maybe I like it. Maybe I'm not ready yet to jump into the real world, or maybe, just maybe, I am not ready to settle for a job that will simply pay the bills but won't make me happy.

Or maybe it's all of the above. Tough spot to be in right?

Unfortunately, I am finding it is a common spot for a lot of people my age. There are some of us mid-20's who are happily married with kids and a career. There are others who have started in their career and are now looking to find someone to settle down with. And then there are those of us, who are stuck in the middle: want to find our careers, want to settle down, but still want to have that carefree travel lifestyle.

It's almost like we think that having a career/family will keep us from travelling. And maybe, this is partly true. It is a lot harder to travel when you have responsibilities waiting for you when you come back.

I think that is the hardest part of travelling: coming back to reality.

I am never a fan of coming home, but who is? Back to the bills, the drama of work, the mundaness of a scheduled life.

But it is how it is; at least in this country. I remember living in Mexico City and people were so open and carefree. Yes, they worked hard but they played harder. They made all the hard work worth it by making any night of the week a special week, or just getting out of town for the weekend. Maybe some of them don't have fancy cars, or homes, or material items, but they can say they are living a full life.

I can honestly say my one year in Mexico was the most I have ever lived. A full emotional, cultural and social experience. If you've ever lived abroad, you'll understand that.

There is something to be said for breaking the mold, not settling down in your hometown and taking the stable 9-5 job. There is something to be said for draining your savings, jumping on a plane and seeing what your next adventure holds. That takes guts. And it takes strength.

Now I am wondering, do I have the guts, the strength and the patience to go through it all again. My heart says yes, my head says no.

Man I hate when reality rears it's ugly head.

- xoxo

Conformity?

I've come to realize - and not for the first time - that I am happy with who I am. This may seem like an egotistical statement for sure, but for me it's something I've needed to be able to believe far years now.

I have always believed that once I was comfortable with who I am, and what I want in life, that everything else would fall into place. And, of course, like most well-laid plans, it hasn't quite happened that way.

Now, I know I'm not a patient person, but this is getting a little ridiculous!!

I mean, everywhere I look, there are couples...whether they are just starting out, or taking another step in their relationship, they are everywhere, and maybe it's b/c it's spring I don't know, but I have definitely noticed more of them EVERYWHERE!!!

And I just want to be one of them. I have never been someone to conform and wear labels - I don't own anything from Lululemon or Apple - but this is one label I want: a couple.

I am dying to be labelled as a couple.

Can you smell it on me? Does it smell like desperation? Maybe that's why people stay away?

Whatever the reason, it happens. I get too excited right away and then nada.

Or maybe, as I keep hearing, it's not the right time. But that has been the story of my life, and frankly, I'm getting a little tired of that excuse.

Because that's exactly what it is: an excuse.

For a girl who has always tried to stand out in rhe crowd and be original, I feel like I am blending in pretty well right now. Too well in fact.

I guess I just need to have faith in the thought that "Mr. Right" or whatever, will be able to see me through all the crap out there.

I guess, again, the bottom line here is trust and patience. The 2 things I have struggled with my entire life.

I guess I'm bound to believe in them sooner or later, right?

- xoxo

Awakening the soul.

There is nothing quite like being in a new place, surrounded by different people and sharing stories. It is such a liberating and eye-opening experience. I feel so open, alive, awake.

Travel ocean I'vawakens my soul. It gets me out of my comfort zone and shows me all the love and life there is in the world. And I want nothing more than to be apart of it.

If I could travel for the rest of my life, I would. If I could live in a different country every year, I would. Every country, city and town I have visited has left it's mark on me in some way - whether it be a great love, an amazing experience or simply the uniqueness of it, I will always remember every place I have been.

And isn't that something we should all strive for?

I feel that we should really experience our lives. The sadness and despair, happiness and joy. Every experience should be embraced and learned from.

If we do nothing to learn from prior experiences, and we remain the exact same person our entire lives, we aren't truly living.

Life is all about learning, loving and joy. Regardless of how these happen, they still happen. Like the famous quote: "Every cloud has a silver lining", that is how I approach life. And especially travel.

I travel to see the world. To learn more about myself. And to learn more about others.

Life isn't always about our own self, but rather the people, places and things we do experience and have relationships with. That is travel.

And that is life. Travelling fills my life with such joy and hope and I only hope to do more of it. Because why wouldn't I want to live my life to it's fullest?

- xoxo

Frenemies?

I want to rid myself of all this...negativity. I have all this pent up jealousy, disappointment, competitiveness and anger towards someone that should in all regards be one of my closest friends. But for whatever reason, my own or others, we're not - at least, not in my opinion.

My jealousy stems from the fact that my friend seems to be able to jump from relationship to relationship without any semblance of mourning period. They might have their own way of mourning or getting over a relationship - god knows we all do - but I am jealous that they are able to move one and open themselves up so easily after a break-up. I crawl back into my protective shell and don't come out until I feel I have a good grip on who I am, what I want and who I am looking to share my life.

Maybe this is a downfall of mine? Or maybe it's just me and I need to just accept that I have my own ways and so do they. So why can't I?

Why can't I just let the mistakes my friends make be their own lessons to learn, instead of feeling disappointed in them and having that disappointment affect our relationship?

Well, to be fair, it's affected my view on the relationship. I haven't talked to this person in awhile and have sort of avoided seeing them b/c until now I wasn't able to figure out the reasons why I felt anger towards them.

Is this completely fair? No. Is it my own way of doing things? Yes. Hmm, maybe I should not be a hypocrit? Sigh.

I know I should talk to them, especially if the relationship is something I consider important to me; this idea in of itself is up for discussion in my head.

Background: this isn't the first instance of a 'break' in our friendship. There have been other times. And the reasons behind them were never discussed until both parties were in a different place and over it.

I just don't know if I can keep going through this pattern.

I don't feel I gain anything from the friendship - and yes, I know it's not all about me - and I do feel like I could easily walk away and not be affected.

Isn't that saying a lot?

But should I still to talk them? Tell them how I'm feeling? Do I owe them at least a conversation? It feels so much like a break-up, and I hate break-ups. Actually, I hate anything that could be deemed a confrontation.

But it is a reality of life that suck situations come up and need to be addressed.

I guess I should grow up, "man up" and bite the bullet. Maybe it means something I don't want to bring it up, like maybe I do care about the friendship?

Who knows. I only know that I need to deal with this somehow. I need to not be affected every time I see a picture of them.

I need to make me better. That's priority one. Oh the pains and lessons of growing up hey?

- xoxo

Selfish?

Why is it that I always feel bored when I’m not doing 100 things all at once? I like being busy, and having lots going on, but I also like down time. But, lately it seems like I have been having too much down time. Enough to make me frustrated and sad. Which, I know, isn’t a normal reaction to rest and relaxation.

I guess I just want it to be easy. I want to find a job, and I want to like it. Actually, no, I don’t even care right now if I like it. I just want all my hard work and education to actually mean something.

I hate the pity looks I get when I mention my education and then why I’m working a minimum wage at Starbucks. And it’s not that I don’t like Starbucks, because I do.

But I want more.

Man, how selfish do I sound?

Here I am in an apartment, with luxuries that some people, like my sister Kyley doesn’t have and sometimes loses – like her electricity and water. I feel like I take for granted so much of what I have and yet, I want more.

I want more money, but it’s not because I want to go out and buy all the fancy new toys that everyone else seems to be able to affordable somehow. I don’t know how they do it.

I work 40 hours a week, and all my money goes towards my visa bill, rent and utilities, which doesn’t seem like a lot to most people, but for me it is. And any extra money I have, I use to travel.

Travelling keeps me alive. It brings me to this place in my heart that makes sense, where everything is right.

Maybe I’m not meant to have a home, with ‘stuff’ and a nice car and the newest phone. Maybe I meant to travel the world and return home when I need reminding of how lucky I am to live where I live.

I just don’t know how to get where I want to be. It’s like the idea and the dream is hanging just a little out of my reach and all I need is one last big push to grab it, but I am at a loss as to how to get that push.

I’m exhausted from trying to prove myself – to who I don’t know – but I feel like that is what I am doing every day, all day. I just want to be able to say I am happy in my life, and not be lying a little bit. I mean I know we can’t have it all, but I don’t feel like I’m asking for much.

Is happiness really that much to ask for?

- xoxo

Uncertainty.

I feel...lost. But yet, I'm not. Confusing I know. I guess it's b/c I have a whole lot of "maybe" going on - I might be moving for a job, I might get a job here, the guy I'm seeing might turn into someone long-term, he might not...sigh, it's exhausting.

I mean, I sometimes wish I could just fast forward to the end and know that it all turns out ok and I got everything I wanted and I am happy. Because that's all I want, is to be happy.

And how terrible am I that I am slightly happy when a friend's relationship fails, or they lose a job or something? I mean seriously?! Is it b/c I'm jealous they had that success, and now that they've lost it, they're no better than I am?

Does this ultimately mean I really do have low self-confidence?!

ARGH!!!

Ok, I got that off my chest. But now what? I mean I've been in this situation before: graduating soon, have prospects but no definite answers (and we all know I don't do well with uncertainty), and not sure what I will be doing in 4 months.

I am not happy at either of my jobs anymore - that's not to say I don't enjoy going to work or enjoy my coworkers company - rather, the jobs are not enough for me anymore.

I want something I can challenge myself at and care about. I want to expand my portfolio, improve my writing, travel and take photographs..be me and enjoy getting up for work. And right now, I don't. I just...I don't. I need more.

But isn't that always the way - we are always looking for something bigger and better in our life? Bigger house, better car, job with more money, etc.

Maybe that's why I'm always feeling the urge to leave Calgary. Maybe it's the culture and society I can't deal with: like a constant competition for who has more and is more successful. Why can't we just be happy with we have?

For example, I don't have a smart phone, mainly b/c I don't need one. But for some reason, I feel like I should buy one, b/c maybe it'll make me happier?

But even that statement, in and of itself, is sad because I shouldn't be relying on material objects to make me happy. And I know I don't need to. I know that I would be happy living on a beach, with minimal luxuries as long as I had a job I loved and a man who loved and supported me. Too much to ask? Maybe.

I will be honest and say I get jealous when I my friends start new relationships b/c they make it seem so easy. I mean, HOW?! I must be really picky or closed off b/c I find it EXTREMELY hard to find someone I feel a strong connection with - I am no longer willing to settle for any kind of connection. I want an amazing connection.

Not that this is news to anyone, lol.

I guess I just want to know that SOMETHING works out - be it my career or my love life. Right now, I will settle for one working out and the other still needing work.

I hope that doesn't sound like I'm settling, and for the record, I'm pretty sure the career will work out before the love life. Haha.

- xoxo

Crossroads.

There is a time in everyone's life where they come to a crossroads. Whether this refers to a job, a marriage, a move or simply a decision at work, we all experience this sort of dilemma.

I feel I have encountered more than my fair share of crossroads, so I guess I should be well adept at facing them.

Wrong.

I am in a similar position as I was 4 years ago - about to graduate and am looking for a job. I have applied to several so far, some in Canada, some not, but I am still in that familiar "hurry up and wait" stage.

While most people are fine with waiting to hear back from jobs, I am not. I am the least patient person EVER!! But regardless of this, I still have another issue.

Am I really ready to pick up and move again? Am I really willing to just take off and live abroad again?

In some ways I am shouting "HELLS YES" at the top of my lungs. However on the other hand, this time around is different.

I have an apartment with a roommate where I have post-dated cheques for the rent. This would need to be sorted out before I move. I am also signed up for a 60km weekend walk for Breast Cancer, which I would be missing. Yes, this isn't that big a deal, but it's still a commitment and I would still like to raise money for the cause.

But I LOVED my year in Mexico City - everything about it was so memorable, so life changing and so enjoyable. I loved the nightlife, the energy of the city and the culture. Especially the culture. I think this is what I crave most, and is the main reason I want to live abroad again.

But in all seriousness, it's easier said than done right?

For example, when I went to Mexico, I created a family for myself among the students I had classes with. In Peru, if I get the internship, I will be working, and since I am not sure how many other interns or staff will be there, I might have to create a family for myself some other way. And as I learned in Spain, this is not an easy thing to do.

I guess, I need to just be patient right? Everything will fall into place...right? Who knows.

I do believe that everything happens for a reason, and that wherever I end up and whatever I end up doing, will be great for me. I just hate not knowing.

And maybe I am searching for what I had in Mexico: true and utter happiness. I crave this so much everyday it's sad really. I mean I have moments of happiness everyday, but can I say I am truly happy all the time? No, definitely not.

I will find this happiness again. I know it. I just need to sit back, live for the here and now, and let it happen.

The last time I did, I met a love of my life, and more importantly, I was happier than I have ever been.

I guess things are really the best for those who wait.

- xoxo

Realizations.

Well, it's been a long time. What can I say - life has been busy.

Let me start with the most important realization: the man I have been in love with for the last 3 years doesn't love me the same way I love him.

It was heartbreaking to say the least. And what's worse is he doesn't even realize how much he hurt me - again. Yes, again. I let this happen to me twice by the same person.

Did I have it coming? Maybe. Do I deserve it? No. Absolutely not.

The positive side of this is I can finally move on, and actually move on. I know I have talked a lot about how I am moving on and learning from my past relationships, but there was always one man I secretly wished I would end up with.

Now that I know in my heart, not just my head, that that will never be true, I sort of feel a wait has been lifted. Not that it was a happy moment for me. It was more of a 'heart breaking into a million pieces' kinda moment, and I am only now, 1 week later, starting to put the pieces back together.

I sort of knew that going back to Mexico City after 3 years was going to be one of those trips that would affect me once I came home. And it did. I did prepare myself for heartbreak, but really, nothing can prepare you for it. It's the most unpleasant feeling.

It's when you finally realize how much you really love someone, only to also acknowledge the fact you no longer have them in your life. What a slap in the face. Or at least that's how it felt for me.

But, I've gotten past the initial pity party and am trying desperately to not be angry at this man. He's not worth it, as I now know.

I need to just keep my focus on me and my happiness and not allow someone else to determine my happiness for me.

I don't know what the next 6 months holds for me - maybe I will be moving cities or countries - but I do know that I need to just let it all happen. Nothing holding me back, and no one to affect my decisions.

I am the only one who can make myself happy, so why not listen to what my heart wants?

- xoxo

What If?

I have come to realize this phrase to be the most annoying in the human language. I am not a patient person, so not knowing something drives me crazy!!!

But for the last 3 years, I have struggled with the "what if" when it comes to one man. I can't get our relationship out of my head - as short as it was.

I maintain that I experienced more happiness, more passion and more laughter with this one man in 3 months than I ever have with any other man I've been with seriously.

Even now, having not seen each other in almost 3 years, we are still close. We talk almost everyday, send each other texts, I've met his family (albeit over skype) and I genuinely and that sappy, embarassingly happy whenever I am talking to him.

I could do it for hours. I catch my image in the webcam every so often and all I see is "dopey happy" smile. What's that about?!

3 YEARS!!! How is this still possible?!

How is it even feasible that after 3 years of not seeing each other, relying only on messages, emails, texts and msn, he still makes me ridiculously "gag me" happy.

It must be me right? I'm holding on to too much right?! I'm hoping nothing has changed...right?

I don't know anymore.

And now, here we are, 31 days from seeing one another and I am so EXCITED and NERVOUS I don't know what to do, what to think.

I mean, what if?

What if I go down there and my feelings don't go away?
What if my feelings come back even stronger?
What if he doesn't feel the same way?
What if he's not willing to be with me because of the distance?

What if...

Argh, I hate that phrase. Sigh.

All I can do is sit back, wait, brood, and hope for the best.

All I know for sure is the 2 hr plane ride from Cancun to Mexico City is going to be the longest of my life. Becuase I don't know what will happen once I see him. I don't know how or if my life will change.

And I know, no matter what happens, it's not going to be expected.

I just know, I need to know. I'm done with "what if".

-xoxo