Truth Hurts.

You know that feeling when you just know something is missing? Do you ever frantically search your house, or purse or car, looking for something you might have left behind or forgot to do? Would you ever think that maybe that something missing might never be found?

I know, depressing thought right? Well, truth hurts. We all know this to be true.

I am in the middle of this dilemma. And it's the worst timing ever - not that I've been known to have excellent timing with anything. :-)

Here I am, in the middle of a rigorous, but amazing opportunity to development my skills as a journalist, and I keep getting distracted by myself. This is supremely frustrating. Because, I can't tell myself to go away. I can't turn my brain off. I can't check out for awhile...unfortunately, my only option is to face myself and ask the question: what's missing?

When I received my acceptance letter into this program I figured once September came, I would be happy, and vibrant and back to being me! I love stress, I love deadlines, and I love writing. So where's my issue?? That's when I figured it out: my issue is within.

But, how do I figure out what's missing? Well, I'm not that complicated - although some of my friends might disagree. I know that the emptiness, the feeling of something missing is simply a partner.

I miss the feeling of having someone there for me. Someone who will be my crutch on difficult days. That one person who just knows what you need to get you motivated. Do I know who this person is? No. That would definitely make things easier. I only know the feelings I've had before, the emotions I want to feel again.

Am I optimistic I can find it again? ABSOLUTELY! If I wasn't...well...that would just be disappointing. And lonely. And sad. Strangely enough, those are some emotions I feel these days - when I'm not busy at work or school.

I need to find a way to let them out. Let them be expressed, either verbally, physically or emotionally. Because as we all know: bottled up emotions always come out much stronger than they how they started. Especially mine.

I'll find my way. I'll find my missing link. I know it. I'm strong so I'll survive until I find that link, that missing "something" or someone. That one who just completes. Yes, I know that sounds sappy. But again, truth hurts.

And we should always tell the truth - especially to ourselves.

- xoxo

Let Go.

I don't really know how to explain how I'm feeling. It's like anxiety, sadness and stress all at once. Considering the situation, these might seem strange...but for me they're perfectly normal, albeit slightly unwelcome.

All I can say is: breakups suck. They never really end. Not for me anyways. We might not be together anymore, and we might not be a couple and in love, but I feel like I will always have an emotional connection to any man I date. Once I've had a relationship with someone, I will always reflect back on our time together, whether it was good or bad, and how it made me feel. Being human, I, of course, tend to remember the good times more than the bad times - for these I have my friends. But with every new wall post, or news feed listing on Facebook, my heart aches and yearns for that man, and for when we were happy together.

Maybe this is because I'm not seriously seeing anyone yet, and he seems to have moved on? Maybe it's because I don't feel like I got closure? Or maybe it's simply because I don't believe he truly understands how much he hurt me, and how much I still hurt because of him?

I'm not being naive. I know we are not good together and I know us breaking up was probably the best thing for us. But still. You always wonder, "what if things went differently" right? At least I do.

To put a positive spin on this depressing story, the fact that I hold everyone I've been involved with close, only tells me I put all of myself into the relationship. That makes me smile. See, I've strived to open up with men. So, my emotional attachment and heartache towards my last 2 boyfriends can be spun positively that I am learning to open up and take chances.

But, this doesn't solve my dilemma. I hate that every time I see his name, or hear one similar, a memory is triggered and all the emotions come back to me. I will admit, I have days where I am stronger and more confident, and so I are more apt to fend off the urge to cry or shutdown. But every so often, I am hit with a fresh batch of emotions when I least expect it. When this happens: Game Over.

What can I say? I'm only human. A female human at that. We feel. We analyze. We can be pains in the asses with our feelings. But, we are who we are, and there's no changing that. Not now anyways. I have to learn to accept my emotions and memories as a part of who I am and why I do what I do. But I also need to learn to LET GO.

Let me say it again. I have to LET GO. Wow, it makes me feel empowered.

Just like deleting him as a friend was empowering. Do I feel a bit guilty about it? Of course. Was it necessary for me to let go and move on? Absolutely.

Maybe one day I'll be strong enough to add him as a friend again. But for right now I need to focus on me, and not him. And the only way I know how to do this is to get rid of all reminders of him. I guess that sounds harsh. And it's not something I would usually do. But like I said, I have a problem letting go. This is a first step. A necessary one.

Letting go. What a concept. So simple in theory. But in application: much, much, much harder. And I would have to say, more emotional. I am ready to go through this process. I know I have a strong support system in my friends. And in myself. My strength is in there. She's slowly coming to the surface. One day she'll be set free. And what an amazing feeling that will be. One I look forward to and will be ready to embrace.

- xoxo

Revelations.

I always find it interesting to discover that when I get what I think I want, I find I don't really want it anymore. Is this normal? Or am I just seriously challenged?

Let me explain.

I have always been searching for something more with a guy - the passion, comfort and intimacy you can only find once in a blue moon.

I have been back on POF for a couple months now, and have been chatting with a number of guys. A few of them I was talking to simply to talk to - I never had any intention of actually meeting them and taking "our relationship" further. This is mean, I know. But I wanted the attention. Again, mean, sad and very pathetic.

Now I find myself in a place of limbo where I am excited to hear from a guy and want to talk to them more and more, but the idea of actually taking it to the one on one dating level - not so appealing. Or maybe just not with that guy...

As much as we all say looks aren't everything, they are important. This I know from personal experience. If you there isn't any sexual attraction then the relationship won't be what I want.

I'm not talking about having sex all the time right away - not that I'm against that - but I need to want them. And vice versa. I have met some very awesome guys, with great personality and we have the best conversations, but there's zip going on anywhere. And no offense to them, but I'm not looking for another guy friend - I have enough.

I want more. I need more. I deserve more.

I want someone who I click with on every level. And I think this is possible - mainly b/c I've had it before, and I refuse to believe it can't happen more than once.

I'm older, wiser and definitely more in tune with what I am looking for a partner in my life: someone who is my best friend, lover and rock all at once.

It is possible I know. But should I alter my expectations to get what I want? Personally, attraction is huge, and absolutely, you need to have a desirable personality - believe me there are those beautiful men out there with such ugly personalities I won't go near them.

Just a happy medium is all I'm asking. Maybe it's too much.

Or maybe I shouldn't settle for what I can get. Maybe I need to be patient, stick it out, believe in myself and just let it happen. Everyone is always telling me to live in the present.

Now seems as good a time to start right?

- xoxo

With just one touch, just one look...

"Your touch is so magic to me, the strangest things can happen"

Have you ever met someone that changed your life in ways you could've only imagined? Someone who you've connected with immediately and felt like you've known them your whole life? Someone who's touch and kiss just melts your heart and feels like it's a perfect fit?

I can't get this person out of my head...or my heart. They have always been the person I compare every future boyfriend against. Which I know isn't really fair to those guys, but I can't deny myself the happiness and completeness I felt with this person. And why should I? I should want to have that feeling of complete and utter happiness again. I know I deserve it. But is it smart for to pine over something that happened years ago, and might not be the same anymore? Should I wait for him? Is he waiting for me?

When I say "I'm waiting for him" I don't mean I am not dating other people. I am. But, there is always something missing. And I've always wondered if it's me just wanting it to be something else, or that certain someone else.

I always want more. More passion. More attention. More time together. More touching. I think I miss the spark, the electricty I felt with just one guy. I miss the butterflies I had in my stomach when I would see his name on my caller ID or heard his voice. His smile could make me melt, and I would get shivers whenever he touched me...even in a small way like touching the small of my back. It's the little things that you can only experience and miss with someone you truly connected with. And even though we were together a short time, he had a huge impact on my life and who I've become.

With him, I experienced a true passion for life, and I was happier than I ever imagined I could be. I truly believe that I could live anywhere in the world with him and be happy. And really, I guess you could classify our meeting as "love at first sight". I know, it sounds sappy, romantic and impossible.

Ok be cynical and think I'm holding onto something that maybe I've built up in my head to be better than it really was . Go ahead, I've done it. But, if it wasn't love at first sight, and we didn't really have that deep of a connection, and this is all in my head as a happy memory, then why do I miss him all the time?? Why do certain places, activities and songs remind me of him? Why do I still dream about our time together and feel the happiness we had together?? And why do I wake up from those dreams feeling like something is missing in my life??

I have had those thoughts and feelings ever since him and I parted. And I always wondered what would've been had our time together not ended so quickly?? The "what if" will consume me if I allow it, I know. But, I know me. I know I can't let go of people I care about until I have come to terms with how our relationship ended. And after 2 years, I know that I had to leave, for me, for my future, but now I wonder what would've been had I not left? And I will always wonder until we get the chance to be together again.

Maybe I am destined to only love one man my whole life but never been with him. Maybe the memories I have of our time together is what keeps me believing in love and the possibility of feeling that happiness again. And maybe he is only meant to remain in my life as a great friend who will always be there for me. Maybe. I, however, choose to have hope that I will one day see him and have all my questions answered. And I know he wants a second chance too.

I believe we deserve it. I believe our love for one another deserves another chance. And maybe it'll work out and we'll live happily ever after, and maybe it won't. That's life. I am only asking for a second chance to feel his touch, and have butterflies in my stomach when I see him again. I deserve to know if the years apart will have helped us become closer.

I know I will one day get this chance. I will finally have answers. And I will one day feel the love and happiness I so desperately crave and look for. One day. We must always have that hope. Passion is in all of us, and we all deserve to feel it...even if it's just in one simple touch.

- xoxo

Passion.

I am feeling so many things right now; so much emotion towards everything. Not that this is that unusual for me, but I feel like I've been missing something these last couple months:

Passion.

It's my life.
It's what drives me.
It's the emotion I want to feel everyday in everything I do.
It's what I want from love.

I can not imagine a world, a life, a romance, that doesn't involve passion.

Passion encompasses me. It's in everything I do. In my writing, my stories, my experiences, my relationships and it's the reason I travel.

I feel like I've been in a fog the last couple months. To be honest, I can't really remember anything SUPER exciting and life changing that has happened to me this summer. And I don't mean this in a negative way. I mean it in an honest and real way. I am finally being honest with myself and facing that image in the mirror of someone who isn't truly happy with her life right now. Again, I don't mean this in a negative depressing way. It's life. And it happens to all of us at some point or another.

I need to find my passion. I have the word on the wall above my bed and I need to get back in the habit of experiencing passion everyday. Not just on special events, or get togethers or any of that. But I need to remember what it's like to wake up and feel excited about the day, even if it's a day of nothing. I need to rediscover myself and how I love walking at night. How laying in a park, listening to music calms and centers me. How running takes all my stress and worries away. And how writing is who I am. And no matter what I'm going through, or how busy I get (or lazy), I need to keep writing.

Words are my passion. How they flow together to create a story and how beauty, honesty, and emotion can be seen and felt through them. And how only a couple grouped together can mean so much. I use words everyday, we all do. But the difference is, my words are my personality, my humor, my beauty and my soul. They are who I am. Everything I am is in my stories and my writing. And I feel like I've lost that the last couple months.

I have so many thoughts and emotions I want to share with the world. And I am just waiting until I get the chance to do that. Until then, I have this blog. And it's my outlet for whatever crazy, honest and real opinions and feelings I have.

Words are my passion and writing is who I am. I need to never forget this. Because if I lose myself, then I've lost my passion. And that would be a real tragedy.

- xoxo

My Happy Song...

I think everyone needs a happy song. This is mine. Everytime I hear it I automatically relax and let all my stress and frustration disappear. It is truly an emotion saver sometimes.

Don't Worry, Be Happy
From the Movie "Cocktails"
Performed by Bobby McFerrin

Here is a little song I wrote
You might want to sing it note for note
Don't worry be happy
In every life we have some trouble
When you worry you make it double
Don't worry, be happy......

Ain't got no place to lay your head
Somebody came and took your bed
Don't worry, be happy
The landlord say your rent is late
He may have to litigate
Don't worry, be happy
Lood at me I am happy
Don't worry, be happy
Here I give you my phone number
When you worry call me
I make you happy
Don't worry, be happy
Ain't got no cash, ain't got no style
Ain't got not girl to make you smile
But don't worry be happy
Cause when you worry
Your face will frown
And that will bring everybody down
So don't worry, be happy (now).....

There is this little song I wrote
I hope you learn it note for note
Like good little children
Don't worry, be happy
Listen to what I say
In your life expect some trouble
But when you worry
You make it double
Don't worry, be happy......
Don't worry don't do it, be happy
Put a smile on your face
Don't bring everybody down like this
Don't worry, it will soon past
Whatever it is
Don't worry, be happy

What's your happy song?

-xoxo

Cartoons ROCK!!! :-)

The best way to feel young again is to go to the theatres and watch a cartoon. And these days cartoons aren't just for kids anymore. No, no, no. I'm talking about "The Incredibles", "Kung Fu Panda", the "Ice Age" and "Shrek" trilogies and of course more recently "How to Train your Dragon". The latter I am IN LOVE with!!

It is the classic tale of how something can be misunderstood before you actually take the time to understand them, but this time with the cutest dragons EVER. Ok well one cute dragon, and a couple really big and ugly dragons that somehow seem cute by the end of the movie. Or maybe I think that because I'm a girl? Who knows. At any rate, I recommend this movie to everyone, all ages, and especially if you're looking for a smile or perk in your day.

I honestly feel that cartoons keep us young. They revert us back to our childhood where we innocent and happy all the time, without all the stress and havoc of our daily adult lives. They are a welcome break and an easy vacation from reality, and they always have a great underlying message to them. Like I said, they're not just for kids anymore.


Take "How to Train Your Dragon". The story about a boy, Hiccup, who wants nothing more than to be like all the other vikings in his village - a dragon killer. Then he meets "Toothless", an 'extremely dangerous' dragon who befriends Hiccup and shows him that dragons really just want to be loved and taken care of, just like a house pet. The story gives the overall message of not judging a book by it's cover, but there is more to it than that. Besides being a feel good kids movie, the story also shows adults that sometimes kids do know a little more than us because they are innocent and non-judgemental and see the world as an adventure rather than a chore.

I think sometimes our day to day lives can leave us skepical, bitter and a little judgemental to things we may not understand right away, and Disney/Dreamworks cartoons are great "vacations" from reality. They let us relive a bit of our childhood, however brief the break might be, and let us remember what it was like to be stress free and happy go lucky. These are 2 feelings I wouldn't mind experiencing more often.

For this reason, I have a pretty extensive cartoon collection for whenever I am feeling blue, stressed out or just want to feel 'young' again. (I used ' ' there because I'm only 25 so young is a relative term for me).

I highly recommend "How to Train Your Dragon", and any other cartoon to anyone who needs a smile, a giggle and just a brief vacation from their everyday reality. Trust me, you'll be happy you took the time for yourself.

- xoxo

PhD in "Hurry up and wait..."

Lately I've been grumpy. And by grumpy I mean lazy, bitchy and irritable. I could chalk it up to "that time of the month", but I would be lying. I accredit it to not being completely happy with what I am doing with my life right now.

I feel like it's a whole lot of "hurry up and wait". For any of my drumcorps pals, no explanation is needed to this statement. For everyone else though, let me explain.

"Hurry up and wait" is a saying we used in drumcorps (aka marching band - ya ya ya, bug me later) when we would be warmed up and ready to go, yet we end up standing around for a long period of time, just waiting for our time to perform. This can easily relate to life. Especially my life right now.

I feel like I have done the education, gotten some relavent experience, both for school and just because, and yet here I am, waiting. Waiting for something, ANYTHING, to happen that makes me feel like it was all worth it. Am I expecting too much? Am I being nieve in thinking this?

My answer is no. I think a lot of it has to do with the economy, but of course we can only use that excuse for so long right? Maybe I am silly to think that all my hard work and effort in my education would actually get me a job in a field I enjoy. A job that when I wake up in the morning makes me excited to get to. Haha, ya ok maybe I am crazy!! Do these jobs exist? Is this where my nieve thinking has clouded the true reality of life?

Again, I'm going to say no. I am ever the optimist. I believe it is possible to get that elusive "dream job". That job that when you wake up everyday you can not wait to start! The job that makes you motivated to do better everyday - this job for me is being paid to write. I can't imagine anything greater.

But for right now I feel like I'm on the "hurry up and wait" train, which by the way can be a frustrating ride.
- I applied for a post graduate certificate program at Mount Royal University but haven't heard back yet. "Hurry up and wait"
- I've submitted some articles for publishment but haven't had many responses. "Hurry up and wait"
- I'm passing the time working 2 serving jobs until something else comes along that is more relevant and of course, I am "qualified" for. "Hurry up and wait"

So while I thought I had already mastered the art of "hurry up and wait", turns out I apparently needed some more practice...by the time I'm done I'll have a PhD in this great and frustrating art :-)

It's ok though. It's all a life experience right? Everything we do, feel and think is part of our overall life experience and I guess I should use this lieu time to my advantage...although I would rather just get on it with it already...haha!! I have never been a patient person though :-)

For now, I am in a "hurry up and wait" phase of my life. One day though I know I will crave this downtime and wonder why I ever wanted it to end. But that's one day...I still have time...right?

- xoxo

What might seem scary now, might end up being amazing

3 little words.

That's all it is. Just three simple little words that, when said on their own don't have as much significance as they do when said as a phrase.

So why do I, along with countless others, have so much trouble saying them? Especially when I really, really, really want to. I have almost said this scary, terrifying and life changing phrase about 10 times now and for some reason I stop myself everytime. WHY?!? aaaaaargh...

As you can plainly tell, I am frustrated with myself. Let me give you some background.

I have always had this fear deep down that every guy in my life will eventually leave me. This has been around since my parents got divorced. And it was for excellent reasons that they got divorced, so I guess maybe it started after that. He always told me he'd be somewhere for me, or that we would do stuff together, and then he wouldn't show up. And what makes this worse is he would say "I promise" and "I love you". Well, those 2 phrases are now the two most terrifying phrases I could ever hear. And really, it's not fair to my boyfriend, who is nothing short of amazing, to automatically be scared and terrified that he is going to leave me when he has never shown any indication that that would ever happen. And it's taken me a LONG time to get to a point where I feel ready to trust a guy again. I'm talking longer then we have been together.

Every relationship, fight, issue, breakup, etc. has helped me to grow stronger as a person and has taught me to trust myself. I now know that no matter what happens in a relationship, or in my life that I am strong enough to handle it. I trust myself enough to know what I need in my life, and what I don't.

So then why do I hesitate now? I know that the man in my life will never hurt me, never leave me and always be there for me, so why, dear god WHY, do I still have an issue with those three little words?? They should be one of the most amazing things to say to a person, and they are, and I know when I eventually stop being such a wimp, that I will get over my fear and just say them. Because he deserves to know. Every person deserves to know.

I will get over myself and let go of my fear to make that final jump. That final leap of faith that really shows someone, and yourself, that you trust them with your life and your heart. Yes it's scary to think you can love one person (other than family) more than anything, one person who you would give your life for. But really, if they never know how much you need them in your life, because you never tell them, then you have no one to blame but yourself if they walk away.

Knowledge is power. And in relationships, communication is one of the most important aspects. These three little words should be said often but only when they are true. For these three little words can change your life.

And really, who wouldn't want to know that the person they are with, is giving them their heart and complete trust. What could be better than that??

So I close in saying that I am going to bite the bullet, jump off the ledge without a parachute, and get in a boat without a paddle and just say "I Love You".

Because you know what? I do love him and he deserves to know he is the most amazing person in my life and I have been nothing but happy since the day we met.

See: three little words can change everything. Who'd have thought that three little words could mean more than anything in this world? Well, believe it.

And say them. Often.

I Love You.

-xoxo

Dear Friends: Thank You!!

I would like to start off this blog by saying I have been quite the crank pot the last couple weeks. Full of complaints, random bouts of bitchiness, and a non desire to go out and have fun. How I still have friends I'm really not sure. If I were them, I would've already bitch slapped me...

So let's start by saying thank you to all my friends. Thank you for putting up with my constant complaints about being tired. Thank you for being understanding when I cancel or change our plans due to my crankiness. Thank you for offering me encouragement and motivation when I needed it the most. Thank you for being awesome friends!!

Honestly, my friends are my family. We have arguments, we sometimes don't like each other, but when the going gets tough, they stand by me no matter what. And that's important and definitely necessary in a friendship. Especially for me.

I have decided that I need an attitude adjustment. This decision has come after a long couple of weeks where I seem to always be tired, cranky, and full of complaints. I need to fix this. Especially when there are other people around me going through the same thing (if not more) that manage to be personable and friendly all the time. For example, my friend Sarah worked a night shift at the hospital from 11pm to 7am and then met us at 8am for a day of skiing. She was nothing but fun, energetic and friendly all day. And I was a piss pot. Not good at all. I aspire to be more like Sarah. Yes, I had worked for 15.5 hrs the day before but I still slept for 6 hrs before skiing and had no reason to take out my tiredness on everyone around me. I feel bad I might've ruined everyone's day. :-(

I find I have always had these moments where my inner bitch manages to get out and take over. I need to learn to control her. You'd think after all these years that'd I'd have learned how to manage that by now, but nope. Every so often she gets the best of me and I just give in - which isn't fair to my friends. And if any of you know me well, I hate when my friends are treated badly, especially when it's by me. I'm not good at forgiving myself...

So, instead of punishing myself and constantly apologizing to my friends for my bad behavior (and mood swings), I've decided it just needs to stop all together. We all have our bad days, and yes our friends are there for us on these bad days, but it shouldn't be all the time. We sometimes need to suck it up, smile through the bullshit and tired and be happy. It's tough but once we make it a habit, it won't seem like effort anymore.

I am thanking my friends for showing me how to smile through the tired, the bullshit and the frustration. I am turning over a new leaf and learning to be more like them. Again, thank you for putting up with me thus far, and I will do my best to be a more pleasant and fun person from now on!!

-xoxo

Distance: Friend or Foe??

They say "absence makes the heart grow fonder", but personally I think it should've been "absence makes the heart go crazy". I am speaking from personal experience of course. If I could count the number of times I have found myself in a position where distance was a main factor in my relationship changing, well, I'd be out of fingers. And I'm not just talking about relationships with a boyfriend, I'm talking friendships too. I like to think I am good at corresponding and keeping up to date with friends whom I may not see regularly or ever really.

Just to make my point, let me tell you a story. In May of 2005, I travelled to Cancun, Mexico for one of those weeks of fun you never talk about again, because it was so much fun it now seems embarassing. On this delightful vacation, I met a lot of people from all walks of life, but became quick friends with Jess, a college student from Michigan. We ended up spending the whole week partying, tanning, and getting to know each other, and by the end of our time in sunny Mexico we decided to keep in touch. Now I know a lot of people will say "Let's keep in touch", have every intention of doing so and then get back to their old routine and just forget about it. I know I've done it. But something about Jess made me take the extra time out and write those emails, find her on Facebook and genuinely work at our friendship. Fast forward 5 years and we have only spent 2 weeks together - one of those weeks being our intial meeting in Cancun, the other week being her spring break trip to visit me in Mexico City. But we still maintain our friendship via email, Facebook, skype and telephone. I consider her one of my closest friends and would go out of my way to see her, talk with her and be there for her if she needed me.

Sadly though, our friendship story isn't common. And for a lot of people, the distance between them and the ones they are close to is necessary, if not vital, to the survival of their relationships. I seem to deal with my long-distance friendships pretty well. I consider the distance to be a test of our friendship and how much we need/want one another in each others lives. I guess the same could be said about a relationship with a significant other. However, for whatever reason, relationships with friends are never on the same emotional level as a relationship with a significant other.

Again, another true story. Now it's 2008 and I had just found out I was accepted into an internship in Malaga, Spain and would be moving there in a couple months. But I had just started a relationship with a man who I was falling in love with. Not exactly the best scenario to be in. In a fairytale, he would've moved with me to Spain and we would still be happy and together. But as we all know, life isn't a fairytale. In reality, we tried to make the effort to keep in touch as much as possible, talk on Skype and msn and make it work. Hell, we even planned on him moving to Spain at some point, us meeting in Canada for Christmas and so on. But reality set in after months of long-distance and not seeing each other in person, and it took it's toll on our relationship. We still remain very close friends today, but I'll always wonder "what if I never left Mexico?". But these are the type of questions I can't dwell on. It's just too hard.

There are obviously other factors as to why our relationship ended, besides the distance. I, of course, put in mountains of effort and to this day believe the relationship could've worked had we both really wanted it. So obviously I concluded that he didn't believe I was worth the wait and since this wasn't the first time in my life I had felt this way (because of a male), it has always been one of my biggest insecurities; an insecurity I had never revealed to anyone I was involved with.

I bet you're telling yourself "Wow, that's heavy stuff...". Well don't worry. The story gets better. The stories always get better...right??

At the moment, March 2010, I again find myself facing the possibility of a distance relationship. However, this time, I have already revealed my deep dark insecurity way back in the beginning of our relationship and he understands it. So this time is different. Right? I think it is. It has to be. Why would we knowingly put ourself in a familair hurtful situation where we know the outcome will only cause us pain and heartache??

This time though, I truly believe my boyfriend will make as much of an effort on our relationship as I will. And I am not terrified to jump back on the distance train. Yes, the last time hurt. Yes, it could hurt again. But anything worth having is worth the pain it might take to get it. And I completely, 100% believe this. I always will. This is because optimism is what drives us, what keeps us alive, and full of dreams. Without optimism, the world would just be a dark, sad, and lonely place with no smiles, rainbows or laughter. And who would ever want to live like that??

-xoxo

The Bitter Train: Reservation for one?

So here's my latest thought: why do we, as women, constantly complain that we can't find an attentive, caring, sensitive yet funny guy, but then when we FINALLY find a guy who meets our criteria, we for some reason push him away by finding 'flaws'?? It's as though we would rather remain bitter than actually allow ourselves to be happy...weird no?

Personally, I have found myself in this situation more than once which is why I ask this question. And somehow I always find a way to convince myself that my loser ex-boyfriend was better for me than the guy I am currently with...why?! I'm not kidding. This is a seriously annoying issue for me. I am not a fan of the fact that my friends and I will sit and bitch and complain about the fact we've dated nothing but crappy guys, but yet can not manage to see the light, or get off the bitter train long enough to see the awesomeness on the other side!

Yes, I've ridden on the bitter train. Actually, I think I've had a box reserved in my name because you never know when you'll be back on the bitter train. But actually, on that note: do we ever really get off it?

Do we not, as women, compare all our boyriends against one another? Do we not mentally calculate all the pros and cons between them and wish that maybe our current BF has some attribute one of our exes did? Why?! Why can we not be happy with what we have, when we have it?? Is the bitter train that awesome? Is the ride worth not being happy ever again? Or do we simply keep our reservation on the bitter train as a backup? And there's that question again: WHY????

I feel that women, some women of course, need to have something to complain about otherwise they can't appreciate what they have. Or maybe that's just my optimism shining through. Yes, optimism. I like to think of myself as an optimistic person when it comes to relationships. I mean obviously I've had my heart ripped out and thrown under a MAC truck, but in reality who hasn't? Have you ever met someone that didn't have their own sob story of a nasty, hurtful, tear-jerking breakup?? So, aren't we, men and women alike, all in the same position?? We have all been hurt by someone we loved or cared for, yet we still choose to get out there and try again. So why can't we just let go of all our past heartaches and start fresh?

If you think about it, we start over with jobs, houses and sometimes friendships too so why are these easier to come to terms with? I know I keep asking questions, and not supplying answers but there isn't one simple answer. Everyone has their own reasons for riding the bitter train, and we are all in control of how much we ride it. Some of us never get off it. Someone us even try to recruit our friends to join us. But regardless, we have ALL been there. I am simply saying that women tend to stay on the bitter train a little longer than men. We are just built differently, and unfortunately, sometimes our emotions get the worst of us. We just need to adapt and learn from every ride on the bitter train.

It is very hard to get off the bitter train, let go of your permanent reservation and allow yourself to be happy. But once you do, the benefits of happiness far outweigh ANY and ALL rides on the bitter train. Believe me, I know.

I've been there. I am there.

Happiness is the single most satsifying emotion, so why avoid it? Just sit back and enjoy one of the best rides of your life.

-xoxo

Singles vs. Couples

So you know those couples that sit right next to each other and are always touching one another? You know how annoying they can be and how they seem like they're flaunting their 'coupledom' in front of you? I've been there. I've actually been there most of my life. I have been the person who says "Omg, get a room" or "Holy PDA alert".

However, now I am on the other side of the table. I am in one of those couples. Only I don't see myself as over the top - PDA wise. But that's thing - since I'm in the couple, I'm happy and just expressing my affection. To others though, thsoe not in a couple, maybe I am being appropriate.

As with many situation in life, there are two sides. Do single people think couples always show too much PDA simply b/c they are not the ones in a couple? Do they feel like somehow the couple is showing off and flaunting the fact they found someone to be in a 'couple' with? Maybe they do. I know I have at some points in my life. But looking at back on those times, specifically, I now realize that is was merely jealousy on my part, b/c I wanted to be in a couple SO BADLY. Like I said, I have been single longer than I have been in relationships, so I obviously understand the single side of this situation.

However, now that I'm sitting on the other side, I can honestly say that I like to publicly display my affections towards my boyfriend b/c that's how I feel. I want to constantly show him I care about him or that I like spending time with him. If this means that I am holding his hand, we kiss ocassionally or maybe we have our hands on one other while out with friends, please forgive us. Should couples have to minimize their affections towards one another so as not to accidentally offend anyone? Or do couples have just as much right to hug, kiss and enjoy our boyfriend/girlfriend as everyone has to hug, kiss, and enjoy their friends? Because really in the end, a couple is simply a friendship that has blossomed to a deeper, more intimate relationship, and I think it should be celebrated.

Let me just reiterate that yes, at one time I was one of those people that got irritated and annoyed by couples, even couples who simply held hands, but this was only b/c I was craving that kind of relationship so badly that my jealousy got the best of me. However, in the last couple of years I have grown up and realized that all good things do come to those who wait and that instead of getting irritated, cynical and bitter towards other peoples good fortune, I should simply remain positive and optimistic.

Oh what?! Did I really just say that?? Yes, yes I did. :-)

However, I will agree that some PDA is WAY TOO much. Examples: making out on a bus, essentially "going at it" on a park bench, groping or fondling in public (except for clubs b/c really there's no stopping it), or talking "dirty" loudly around strangers. I have never, and will never, do these things, b/c I have respect for my fellow Calgarians and no one needs to see me play tonsil hockey with a guy - and you know what? I don't want anyone to see it. It's private. It should stay private.

On a side note,I have some amazing friends, some of whom have spent most our friendship in a couple. I have gone through countless breakups, emotional situations and happy celebrations with my coupled up friends to have recieved an invaluable education. A single person is just as special, loved and important as someone who is in a couple (I say "couple" and not "relationship" b/c a friendship is also a relationship). My friends have supported me through my bitter and cynical stage, my optimistic and positive stage, and of course the "I hate boys" stage. But, if I am being honest to myself, I have always hoped and believed that I would find someone who would put up with my BS, my little quirks and annoyances and actually want to spend a lot of time with me. And my friends are the reason I have always believed in this. So I thank them. :-)

There will always be disagreement about how much is too much PDA, but we must always look at the situation from both points of view. You never know: maybe a couple had a huge fight and one of them is trying to make it up to their partner by being more affectionate. There is two sides to every situation and sometimes where you stand is "the greener side of the pasture".

-xoxo