Why?

There is always that lingering question with anything that happens in our lives of why me, why us, why now, searching and wondering for a reason why we lost someone we love.

I can think of nothing worse.

Losing someone who is close to is like losing a piece of your heart. And when there is now explanation, no reason, it is hard to come to terms with it.

A couple of years ago, I lost a piece of my heart. One of the cornerstones actually. And I while I no longer cry at a Wendy's frosty commercial, and I can now drink slurpees and listen to Tupac again, I will never be completely at piece as to why this man is gone.

He was in the military. And he died a hero.

For what reason, this is not enough of an explanation. It is not enough to me to hear people say he died for his country and he will always be remember for his selflessness, his courage and his valor.

I will never understand why people put themselves in that line of work. I get the premise behind it for sure. But in my heart, I could never be that person. I could never give my life for my country; maybe that makes me selfish.

Or maybe I miss my friend. My brother really. I miss his laugh. I miss our midnight slurpee runs where we would spend hours just walking and talking. I miss knowing he is only a phone call away. I miss his hugs when I am feeling blue - like right now.

However, when I think about the alternative outcome, a possible paralysis that would've inhibited him from enjoying his life and doing the things he loved, I think maybe that would've been worse...?

I guess I don't know. I can't argue what could've been because he is gone. He will never play hockey again. He will never show up at my house with a frosty and a smile. And he will never tell me he loves me again. And I guess I miss the strength he gave me to be brave, to push through the hard times and to come out of it smiling.

I know he is with me always and I feel him everyday in the little ways he reminds me of our friendship, our love and our bond.

But really, without a reason as to why he was taken so young and so soon, I don't know if I can ever really come to terms with his being gone. He will always be a what if for me; and that is what hurts the most.

The wondering of what could've been and the future we could've had. Together.

- xoxo

Fairytales.

The classic question has come up again in my life: He loves me? He loves me not? C'mon, we all remember that scene from The Little Mermaid where Ariel picks flower petals asking whether or not Eric loves her...

I find I get attached to certain people pretty quick. I guess it's b/c I feel something electric, something unusual but good. A feeling I want to hold on to and never let go. A feeling that just makes all the crap in life disappear.

We've all had those feelings with a man. Some of us are even lucky enough to have that man in our life still.

I, however, have had no such luck in this area. It seems that every time I get comfortable enough with a man to really be myself, with no walls or secrets, somehow this man gets away. Who's fault is it, I don't know. I might never know. I'm told that's the fun of dating...HA!!

I have always believed when I meet the man I am going to share my life with, I will just know. But, that belief has been wavering recently. I find that the people who have known me a long time, really understand me and why I am the way I am, and these are the people I will always have in my life. Which is why, I have gotten it in my head, again, that I want to be with a certain man. A man who I have always had chemistry with, a man I am extremely attracted to, and a man who is almost my complete opposite.

Regardless of that, he makes me feel safe, comfortable and I know I can be myself without any judgement. Ok, maybe he judges me, but he also knows that I will never change and he's ok with it. I have known him for about 13 years so I'm not surprised he knows me this well.

We have had obstacles before and there will be more I'm sure. All I want to know right now is: does he want to hold on to the chemistry and attraction we share for one another? Does he want to keep the laughter, the sarcasm, and the natural comfort we have together? And is he willing to take a leap of faith and give us a chance?

That's not too much to ask right?! I know, I've said that before. :-) But, until these questions are answered, until I know one way or the other if he wants to be with me, I will never stop asking or wondering.

Or maybe it's all in my head, and what we shared those few nights was random and never going to progress beyond that. Maybe I should just treasure those memories and his friendship.

But, now that I think of it, we're not really friends. We're...in limbo. We're not together, and we're not friends. We're just two people trying to figure ourselves out and whenever we get together, amazing things happen. Why are we fighting it??

I'm choosing to stay optimistic. I believe we will figure ourselves out, one way or the other. And I will be happy just to know the answer to my 13-year question. I am secretly hoping for the fairytale ending of course...but don't we all?

- xoxo

One Word.

We all have something inside that we cling to, that makes us who we are.

It is what's missing when we're feeling lost, what makes us feel happy, and what ultimately helps guide us through our lives.

And it can be summed up with one word.

You live by it, you know it's a part of you, but most of us have a hard time figuring out what it is. We experiment with a different variety of personalities and interests until we finally realize what is the one thing that we keep turning back to.

For me, it's passion. A passion for learning, experiencing and feeling every moment as much as I can. A passion for the one I love, the people in my life and the family I have made along the way.

Living without regrets. Telling someone I love them. Doing something that scares me.
Passion is what gives me courage, what helps me speak my mind and to be true to myself.

I have this fire inside me that drives me and keeps me going. I have lost it once or twice in my life. I have also met people that have ignited it more than I could've ever imagined. I felt the happiest and laughed more than I can remember during those times.

Those are the moments to hold onto. And those are the moments that make me smile when I am crying, make me laugh when I am sad and help me find my way, when the way out just seems impossible.

Passion is my soul. It is who I am. I can't do anything in my life that I am not passionate about, because I would be lying to myself. I trust my gut feelings, regardless of the outcome. I know if I don't take the risk I will regret not knowing the outcome. I would rather know than not jump in and experience what could have been.

It is a passion for what may be; I guess I am a hopeless dreamer and will always believe in forever and happy endings. I know this because when I think of instances like those, I smile and my whole body and mind seem at peace. Like I am calm and quiet. The chaos of the outside world just drifts away and for those moments I am truly happy. It is this drive, this feeling, this passion, that keeps me true to myself.

One word is all it takes to define me. What's your word?

- xoxo