Crossroads.

There is a time in everyone's life where they come to a crossroads. Whether this refers to a job, a marriage, a move or simply a decision at work, we all experience this sort of dilemma.

I feel I have encountered more than my fair share of crossroads, so I guess I should be well adept at facing them.

Wrong.

I am in a similar position as I was 4 years ago - about to graduate and am looking for a job. I have applied to several so far, some in Canada, some not, but I am still in that familiar "hurry up and wait" stage.

While most people are fine with waiting to hear back from jobs, I am not. I am the least patient person EVER!! But regardless of this, I still have another issue.

Am I really ready to pick up and move again? Am I really willing to just take off and live abroad again?

In some ways I am shouting "HELLS YES" at the top of my lungs. However on the other hand, this time around is different.

I have an apartment with a roommate where I have post-dated cheques for the rent. This would need to be sorted out before I move. I am also signed up for a 60km weekend walk for Breast Cancer, which I would be missing. Yes, this isn't that big a deal, but it's still a commitment and I would still like to raise money for the cause.

But I LOVED my year in Mexico City - everything about it was so memorable, so life changing and so enjoyable. I loved the nightlife, the energy of the city and the culture. Especially the culture. I think this is what I crave most, and is the main reason I want to live abroad again.

But in all seriousness, it's easier said than done right?

For example, when I went to Mexico, I created a family for myself among the students I had classes with. In Peru, if I get the internship, I will be working, and since I am not sure how many other interns or staff will be there, I might have to create a family for myself some other way. And as I learned in Spain, this is not an easy thing to do.

I guess, I need to just be patient right? Everything will fall into place...right? Who knows.

I do believe that everything happens for a reason, and that wherever I end up and whatever I end up doing, will be great for me. I just hate not knowing.

And maybe I am searching for what I had in Mexico: true and utter happiness. I crave this so much everyday it's sad really. I mean I have moments of happiness everyday, but can I say I am truly happy all the time? No, definitely not.

I will find this happiness again. I know it. I just need to sit back, live for the here and now, and let it happen.

The last time I did, I met a love of my life, and more importantly, I was happier than I have ever been.

I guess things are really the best for those who wait.

- xoxo

Realizations.

Well, it's been a long time. What can I say - life has been busy.

Let me start with the most important realization: the man I have been in love with for the last 3 years doesn't love me the same way I love him.

It was heartbreaking to say the least. And what's worse is he doesn't even realize how much he hurt me - again. Yes, again. I let this happen to me twice by the same person.

Did I have it coming? Maybe. Do I deserve it? No. Absolutely not.

The positive side of this is I can finally move on, and actually move on. I know I have talked a lot about how I am moving on and learning from my past relationships, but there was always one man I secretly wished I would end up with.

Now that I know in my heart, not just my head, that that will never be true, I sort of feel a wait has been lifted. Not that it was a happy moment for me. It was more of a 'heart breaking into a million pieces' kinda moment, and I am only now, 1 week later, starting to put the pieces back together.

I sort of knew that going back to Mexico City after 3 years was going to be one of those trips that would affect me once I came home. And it did. I did prepare myself for heartbreak, but really, nothing can prepare you for it. It's the most unpleasant feeling.

It's when you finally realize how much you really love someone, only to also acknowledge the fact you no longer have them in your life. What a slap in the face. Or at least that's how it felt for me.

But, I've gotten past the initial pity party and am trying desperately to not be angry at this man. He's not worth it, as I now know.

I need to just keep my focus on me and my happiness and not allow someone else to determine my happiness for me.

I don't know what the next 6 months holds for me - maybe I will be moving cities or countries - but I do know that I need to just let it all happen. Nothing holding me back, and no one to affect my decisions.

I am the only one who can make myself happy, so why not listen to what my heart wants?

- xoxo