I feel...lost. But yet, I'm not. Confusing I know. I guess it's b/c I have a whole lot of "maybe" going on - I might be moving for a job, I might get a job here, the guy I'm seeing might turn into someone long-term, he might not...sigh, it's exhausting.
I mean, I sometimes wish I could just fast forward to the end and know that it all turns out ok and I got everything I wanted and I am happy. Because that's all I want, is to be happy.
And how terrible am I that I am slightly happy when a friend's relationship fails, or they lose a job or something? I mean seriously?! Is it b/c I'm jealous they had that success, and now that they've lost it, they're no better than I am?
Does this ultimately mean I really do have low self-confidence?!
ARGH!!!
Ok, I got that off my chest. But now what? I mean I've been in this situation before: graduating soon, have prospects but no definite answers (and we all know I don't do well with uncertainty), and not sure what I will be doing in 4 months.
I am not happy at either of my jobs anymore - that's not to say I don't enjoy going to work or enjoy my coworkers company - rather, the jobs are not enough for me anymore.
I want something I can challenge myself at and care about. I want to expand my portfolio, improve my writing, travel and take photographs..be me and enjoy getting up for work. And right now, I don't. I just...I don't. I need more.
But isn't that always the way - we are always looking for something bigger and better in our life? Bigger house, better car, job with more money, etc.
Maybe that's why I'm always feeling the urge to leave Calgary. Maybe it's the culture and society I can't deal with: like a constant competition for who has more and is more successful. Why can't we just be happy with we have?
For example, I don't have a smart phone, mainly b/c I don't need one. But for some reason, I feel like I should buy one, b/c maybe it'll make me happier?
But even that statement, in and of itself, is sad because I shouldn't be relying on material objects to make me happy. And I know I don't need to. I know that I would be happy living on a beach, with minimal luxuries as long as I had a job I loved and a man who loved and supported me. Too much to ask? Maybe.
I will be honest and say I get jealous when I my friends start new relationships b/c they make it seem so easy. I mean, HOW?! I must be really picky or closed off b/c I find it EXTREMELY hard to find someone I feel a strong connection with - I am no longer willing to settle for any kind of connection. I want an amazing connection.
Not that this is news to anyone, lol.
I guess I just want to know that SOMETHING works out - be it my career or my love life. Right now, I will settle for one working out and the other still needing work.
I hope that doesn't sound like I'm settling, and for the record, I'm pretty sure the career will work out before the love life. Haha.
- xoxo
