I have come to realize this phrase to be the most annoying in the human language. I am not a patient person, so not knowing something drives me crazy!!!
But for the last 3 years, I have struggled with the "what if" when it comes to one man. I can't get our relationship out of my head - as short as it was.
I maintain that I experienced more happiness, more passion and more laughter with this one man in 3 months than I ever have with any other man I've been with seriously.
Even now, having not seen each other in almost 3 years, we are still close. We talk almost everyday, send each other texts, I've met his family (albeit over skype) and I genuinely and that sappy, embarassingly happy whenever I am talking to him.
I could do it for hours. I catch my image in the webcam every so often and all I see is "dopey happy" smile. What's that about?!
3 YEARS!!! How is this still possible?!
How is it even feasible that after 3 years of not seeing each other, relying only on messages, emails, texts and msn, he still makes me ridiculously "gag me" happy.
It must be me right? I'm holding on to too much right?! I'm hoping nothing has changed...right?
I don't know anymore.
And now, here we are, 31 days from seeing one another and I am so EXCITED and NERVOUS I don't know what to do, what to think.
I mean, what if?
What if I go down there and my feelings don't go away?
What if my feelings come back even stronger?
What if he doesn't feel the same way?
What if he's not willing to be with me because of the distance?
What if...
Argh, I hate that phrase. Sigh.
All I can do is sit back, wait, brood, and hope for the best.
All I know for sure is the 2 hr plane ride from Cancun to Mexico City is going to be the longest of my life. Becuase I don't know what will happen once I see him. I don't know how or if my life will change.
And I know, no matter what happens, it's not going to be expected.
I just know, I need to know. I'm done with "what if".
-xoxo
