Change.

You've got one life/Don't stop, live it up!

Such powerful words for me. They have such meaning behind them and yet they are so simple.

I am made to feel as though I need to take every opportunity to move somewhere new, start new friendships, relationships and possibly find my career path. I have done this before and it was one of the most amazing, life-changing experiences for me.

So why do I hesitate in moving now?

I guess the first reason is I have nothing to move for. Before, I moved for an education program. And because of that program, I made friends, experienced new things and ended up becoming a better person. This time though? I don't know what to expect.

This could be good or bad.

I, of course, think of the bad reasons first; mainly because of what happened in Spain. I could feel alienated and alone. I don't do well when I feel lonely. I tend to shut down. I know this isn't a good thing, but I have been struggling to deal with it for a long time.

Then again, the alienation could help me break out of this shell I've gone into and meet new people, who in turn, would inevitably help me re-discover my passion for life.

Sigh. The dilemmas hey?

Either way I know I need to make a pretty significant change in my life to spark some new life and passion into my everyday routine. Even changing jobs and apartments, while keeping the same friends and city won't be enough. I need a complete change. And I know it.

And, it scares the hell out of me. All of it - the change, the new experiences, the 'what ifs'. Especially the 'what ifs'.

But, if we all lived our lives by only doing what makes us comfortable, what sort of life would we have? We would miss out on the amazing experiences that are out there ready for us to reach out and take them.

I want to believe that doing the things that scare us make us stronger. Because if something scares us, there must be something about it that is different. And different is good. And very often necessary.

It's up to us as individuals to step up and bravely take on whatever it is that we fear.

Only then will we grow as a person.

-xoxo

Social Games

Why is it that when we go out with friends, it is usually friends we know really well and see all the time?

I find that more often than not, people are hesitant, maybe even scared, to go out with people they are unfamiliar with. But, why wouldn't you?

Going out with only one friend and meeting all these other people should be a reason for excitement! You can be a whole new person if you want. You can just be you and not worry about having an embarrassing moment or story come up. I guess you can equate to a blind date - you don't know what your friend's friends will be like, or if you will like them - but really, a couple of hours out of your life meeting new people can't be that rough.

I speak from experience on this idea of playing 'social games'. When I lived in Mexico City, I found that no matter what night, no matter where we went, there were always new people there that I had never met before, and often, I was the new person having tagged along with my friend. I found this experience, at first, to be rather nerve wracking. I mean meeting new people in a different country, can be rather scary.

However, I learned so much about myself as a person by meeting new people all the time. I learned how I want to present myself, how I answer the standard "where are you from" and " what do you want to do" questions. And often the answers to these questions changed. I found my self-confidence grew so much and I was more confident in everything I did - school work, exploring the city on my own, striking up conversations with random ppl in the market, etc. In the end, I made some amazing friends, whom I still talk with all the time, and I have so many more memories from my time in Mexico City, than I would've if I had chose not to go out with people I didn't know.

But, don't just take my word for it. I have another story. This one is about two people who met at a birthday.

On my 25th birthday, my friend's Tom and Brianne came out to help me celebrate. Tom is a friend from high school, and I think he only knew maybe 2 other people there. Brianne I know from University, and she didn't know anyone else. It would have been so easy for both of them to bail and not come, out of fear of not knowing anybody. However, they both came and they ended up talking all night long. They are still together today.

This just goes to show that you never know what will come of a new experience - in this case, meeting new people. It can change your life, or just your day. But, no matter what, it will make you a more confident person.

So, please, let's all stop playing these social games - being afraid of not knowing anybody. People aren't rude, they will make small talk with you at first, and maybe, just maybe, you will end the evening with a new friend, or a new love.

- xoxo

Restless.

"The grass is always greener on the other side".

This couldn't seem more true these days.

I hear from lots of my friends that they wish they could just take a day and sleep in on a week day, hang out at home and just do nothing. Well, let me just say...a day is a lot different than 3 weeks. After 3 weeks of 'nothing' you start to get...restless.

I can handle many things: being lonely, money issues, relationship problems, etc...but I can not, I repeat, CAN NOT handle not having something going on. Even if it is just some chore or task I have been meaning to do for months.

I am one of those people that have a day timer with things to do/buy/pick up etc. But, I also have 2 or 3 other lists going as well with things like 'get an oil change', 'work on scrapbook', 'donate old clothes', 'clean closet' and so on. I'm pretty sure I will have a list for my lists when I get older...

Being restless can be liberating though. It is motivating and inspiring to be able to get up on a Monday, make a tea and just sit and enjoy the morning. Sitting in my big comfy chair with a blanket on my lap, sipping my earl grey tea, while enjoying the morning sun is very calming. It has a way of helping my organize my day without the hurry of needing to be somewhere at a certain time. I find that if I don't turn the TV on in the morning - and there isn't usually much on anyways - I feel better about my day as a whole. I will write a blog, go for a walk, listen to music, get inspired to create a Flickr account, or just be still.

Ironic how feeling restless can cause one to enjoy being still. But, it happens.

Taking the time in the morning to organize my thoughts also causes me to reflect on my situation. Do I miss my job? Am I wishing that I had a place to get up and go to in the morning? Yes and no. These answers fluctuate daily...hourly sometimes. I don't miss my job specifically. I miss having something that was bringing in money to support my lifestyle - which isn't very extravagant anyways. I miss having somewhere to go in the mornings. I don't miss the dread of another day in an office doing something I didn't really like.

So, while my friends wish they could sleep in, relax and just take a day to do nothing, they need to remember that that desire is also referred to as a 'sick day'. Being unemployed is certainly nothing to wish for, and it is never something someone wants. I do understand the sentiment behind those comments though; it is a nice way to momentarily cheer someone up.

I guess it is safe to say that I am using this 'restless' time to reassess where I want to be, and I want to do. This of course, is a positive thing. The downside though, is that this situation seems to be as fresh today as it was 3 1/2 years ago when I graduated with my Masters. Having an education isn't always a guarantee to the future you want and know you deserve.

Hard work, self-motivation and lots of perseverance seem to be the common theme in my quest to find that niche that I fit in with; I have definitely ruled out office work - no real change or diversion from routine there.

I know what I want and I know where I want to be. The problem is getting there from here.

I have never been one to follow the norm, instead choosing the path less traveled. Of course, this means that more often than not I find myself standing at the bottom of a mountain, wondering how I got there, and trying to figure out to climb over it to the greener pastures on the other side.

What I learned though, is the grass isn't always greener on the other side. The trick is take whatever obstacles are in front of you, and use them as the way to the top of that mountain. That way, when you reach the luscious green space at the top, you will have truly earned the rewards. And hopefully, you will never find yourself at the bottom of a mountain again.

But hey, if you do, at least you can say you know how to kick it's ass right? :-)

- xoxo

Opportunity?

"When one door of happiness closes, another opens, but often
we look so long at the closed door that we do not see
the one that has been opened for us" - Unknown

This couldn't be more true. I would say this sums up almost every relationship I've ever had.

But this week, it seems to apply to a different situation: my job. I was let go from my job a couple days ago, and while I was upset, at the same time I was relieved. Not a normal feeling right?

Let me explain.

We all have had those jobs that we have done just to make ends meet. The job that when you wake up in the morning you dread going too. This one was like that for me. I'll be honest though, there were some days I liked going to work. But, usually I wasn't super excited.

The job wasn't in my field at all, I didn't love it, so I didn't give it my all, my 100% effort. But, I appreciated the fact that my boss hired me out of Starbucks and gave me a shot. I do thank her for that.

I guess I should apologize for not giving the job 100% too.

So, when my former boss came in and told me I was terminated, I was shocked.

But, once the shock had subsided I became angry...and then relieved. I mean, even that very morning I sat down at my desk, sifted through all my emails and remembering saying to myself that I didn't want to deal with some of them.

In the long run, I think losing my job was a good thing. I wasn't happy there and it was affecting my work ethic. Also, I never had the patience or energy to go out and meet new people, or even see my friends for that matter.

My job had been taking the life out of me, and now that I am not working there, I find myself more willing to go out with friends, stay out later than I normally would and just enjoy everyone around me.

I am trying to stay optimistic while I struggle with the whole job search, applying and then the frustrating task of waiting around until you hear back. Good times right?! Haha.

But, I have amazing friends, great support in my family and an unbreakable confidence that I will find something. And when I do, it'll be worth the stress and wait!

- xoxo

Why?

There is always that lingering question with anything that happens in our lives of why me, why us, why now, searching and wondering for a reason why we lost someone we love.

I can think of nothing worse.

Losing someone who is close to is like losing a piece of your heart. And when there is now explanation, no reason, it is hard to come to terms with it.

A couple of years ago, I lost a piece of my heart. One of the cornerstones actually. And I while I no longer cry at a Wendy's frosty commercial, and I can now drink slurpees and listen to Tupac again, I will never be completely at piece as to why this man is gone.

He was in the military. And he died a hero.

For what reason, this is not enough of an explanation. It is not enough to me to hear people say he died for his country and he will always be remember for his selflessness, his courage and his valor.

I will never understand why people put themselves in that line of work. I get the premise behind it for sure. But in my heart, I could never be that person. I could never give my life for my country; maybe that makes me selfish.

Or maybe I miss my friend. My brother really. I miss his laugh. I miss our midnight slurpee runs where we would spend hours just walking and talking. I miss knowing he is only a phone call away. I miss his hugs when I am feeling blue - like right now.

However, when I think about the alternative outcome, a possible paralysis that would've inhibited him from enjoying his life and doing the things he loved, I think maybe that would've been worse...?

I guess I don't know. I can't argue what could've been because he is gone. He will never play hockey again. He will never show up at my house with a frosty and a smile. And he will never tell me he loves me again. And I guess I miss the strength he gave me to be brave, to push through the hard times and to come out of it smiling.

I know he is with me always and I feel him everyday in the little ways he reminds me of our friendship, our love and our bond.

But really, without a reason as to why he was taken so young and so soon, I don't know if I can ever really come to terms with his being gone. He will always be a what if for me; and that is what hurts the most.

The wondering of what could've been and the future we could've had. Together.

- xoxo

Fairytales.

The classic question has come up again in my life: He loves me? He loves me not? C'mon, we all remember that scene from The Little Mermaid where Ariel picks flower petals asking whether or not Eric loves her...

I find I get attached to certain people pretty quick. I guess it's b/c I feel something electric, something unusual but good. A feeling I want to hold on to and never let go. A feeling that just makes all the crap in life disappear.

We've all had those feelings with a man. Some of us are even lucky enough to have that man in our life still.

I, however, have had no such luck in this area. It seems that every time I get comfortable enough with a man to really be myself, with no walls or secrets, somehow this man gets away. Who's fault is it, I don't know. I might never know. I'm told that's the fun of dating...HA!!

I have always believed when I meet the man I am going to share my life with, I will just know. But, that belief has been wavering recently. I find that the people who have known me a long time, really understand me and why I am the way I am, and these are the people I will always have in my life. Which is why, I have gotten it in my head, again, that I want to be with a certain man. A man who I have always had chemistry with, a man I am extremely attracted to, and a man who is almost my complete opposite.

Regardless of that, he makes me feel safe, comfortable and I know I can be myself without any judgement. Ok, maybe he judges me, but he also knows that I will never change and he's ok with it. I have known him for about 13 years so I'm not surprised he knows me this well.

We have had obstacles before and there will be more I'm sure. All I want to know right now is: does he want to hold on to the chemistry and attraction we share for one another? Does he want to keep the laughter, the sarcasm, and the natural comfort we have together? And is he willing to take a leap of faith and give us a chance?

That's not too much to ask right?! I know, I've said that before. :-) But, until these questions are answered, until I know one way or the other if he wants to be with me, I will never stop asking or wondering.

Or maybe it's all in my head, and what we shared those few nights was random and never going to progress beyond that. Maybe I should just treasure those memories and his friendship.

But, now that I think of it, we're not really friends. We're...in limbo. We're not together, and we're not friends. We're just two people trying to figure ourselves out and whenever we get together, amazing things happen. Why are we fighting it??

I'm choosing to stay optimistic. I believe we will figure ourselves out, one way or the other. And I will be happy just to know the answer to my 13-year question. I am secretly hoping for the fairytale ending of course...but don't we all?

- xoxo

One Word.

We all have something inside that we cling to, that makes us who we are.

It is what's missing when we're feeling lost, what makes us feel happy, and what ultimately helps guide us through our lives.

And it can be summed up with one word.

You live by it, you know it's a part of you, but most of us have a hard time figuring out what it is. We experiment with a different variety of personalities and interests until we finally realize what is the one thing that we keep turning back to.

For me, it's passion. A passion for learning, experiencing and feeling every moment as much as I can. A passion for the one I love, the people in my life and the family I have made along the way.

Living without regrets. Telling someone I love them. Doing something that scares me.
Passion is what gives me courage, what helps me speak my mind and to be true to myself.

I have this fire inside me that drives me and keeps me going. I have lost it once or twice in my life. I have also met people that have ignited it more than I could've ever imagined. I felt the happiest and laughed more than I can remember during those times.

Those are the moments to hold onto. And those are the moments that make me smile when I am crying, make me laugh when I am sad and help me find my way, when the way out just seems impossible.

Passion is my soul. It is who I am. I can't do anything in my life that I am not passionate about, because I would be lying to myself. I trust my gut feelings, regardless of the outcome. I know if I don't take the risk I will regret not knowing the outcome. I would rather know than not jump in and experience what could have been.

It is a passion for what may be; I guess I am a hopeless dreamer and will always believe in forever and happy endings. I know this because when I think of instances like those, I smile and my whole body and mind seem at peace. Like I am calm and quiet. The chaos of the outside world just drifts away and for those moments I am truly happy. It is this drive, this feeling, this passion, that keeps me true to myself.

One word is all it takes to define me. What's your word?

- xoxo