3 little words.
That's all it is. Just three simple little words that, when said on their own don't have as much significance as they do when said as a phrase.
So why do I, along with countless others, have so much trouble saying them? Especially when I really, really, really want to. I have almost said this scary, terrifying and life changing phrase about 10 times now and for some reason I stop myself everytime. WHY?!? aaaaaargh...
As you can plainly tell, I am frustrated with myself. Let me give you some background.
I have always had this fear deep down that every guy in my life will eventually leave me. This has been around since my parents got divorced. And it was for excellent reasons that they got divorced, so I guess maybe it started after that. He always told me he'd be somewhere for me, or that we would do stuff together, and then he wouldn't show up. And what makes this worse is he would say "I promise" and "I love you". Well, those 2 phrases are now the two most terrifying phrases I could ever hear. And really, it's not fair to my boyfriend, who is nothing short of amazing, to automatically be scared and terrified that he is going to leave me when he has never shown any indication that that would ever happen. And it's taken me a LONG time to get to a point where I feel ready to trust a guy again. I'm talking longer then we have been together.
Every relationship, fight, issue, breakup, etc. has helped me to grow stronger as a person and has taught me to trust myself. I now know that no matter what happens in a relationship, or in my life that I am strong enough to handle it. I trust myself enough to know what I need in my life, and what I don't.
So then why do I hesitate now? I know that the man in my life will never hurt me, never leave me and always be there for me, so why, dear god WHY, do I still have an issue with those three little words?? They should be one of the most amazing things to say to a person, and they are, and I know when I eventually stop being such a wimp, that I will get over my fear and just say them. Because he deserves to know. Every person deserves to know.
I will get over myself and let go of my fear to make that final jump. That final leap of faith that really shows someone, and yourself, that you trust them with your life and your heart. Yes it's scary to think you can love one person (other than family) more than anything, one person who you would give your life for. But really, if they never know how much you need them in your life, because you never tell them, then you have no one to blame but yourself if they walk away.
Knowledge is power. And in relationships, communication is one of the most important aspects. These three little words should be said often but only when they are true. For these three little words can change your life.
And really, who wouldn't want to know that the person they are with, is giving them their heart and complete trust. What could be better than that??
So I close in saying that I am going to bite the bullet, jump off the ledge without a parachute, and get in a boat without a paddle and just say "I Love You".
Because you know what? I do love him and he deserves to know he is the most amazing person in my life and I have been nothing but happy since the day we met.
See: three little words can change everything. Who'd have thought that three little words could mean more than anything in this world? Well, believe it.
And say them. Often.
I Love You.
-xoxo
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Monday, March 22, 2010
Dear Friends: Thank You!!
I would like to start off this blog by saying I have been quite the crank pot the last couple weeks. Full of complaints, random bouts of bitchiness, and a non desire to go out and have fun. How I still have friends I'm really not sure. If I were them, I would've already bitch slapped me...
So let's start by saying thank you to all my friends. Thank you for putting up with my constant complaints about being tired. Thank you for being understanding when I cancel or change our plans due to my crankiness. Thank you for offering me encouragement and motivation when I needed it the most. Thank you for being awesome friends!!
Honestly, my friends are my family. We have arguments, we sometimes don't like each other, but when the going gets tough, they stand by me no matter what. And that's important and definitely necessary in a friendship. Especially for me.
I have decided that I need an attitude adjustment. This decision has come after a long couple of weeks where I seem to always be tired, cranky, and full of complaints. I need to fix this. Especially when there are other people around me going through the same thing (if not more) that manage to be personable and friendly all the time. For example, my friend Sarah worked a night shift at the hospital from 11pm to 7am and then met us at 8am for a day of skiing. She was nothing but fun, energetic and friendly all day. And I was a piss pot. Not good at all. I aspire to be more like Sarah. Yes, I had worked for 15.5 hrs the day before but I still slept for 6 hrs before skiing and had no reason to take out my tiredness on everyone around me. I feel bad I might've ruined everyone's day. :-(
I find I have always had these moments where my inner bitch manages to get out and take over. I need to learn to control her. You'd think after all these years that'd I'd have learned how to manage that by now, but nope. Every so often she gets the best of me and I just give in - which isn't fair to my friends. And if any of you know me well, I hate when my friends are treated badly, especially when it's by me. I'm not good at forgiving myself...
So, instead of punishing myself and constantly apologizing to my friends for my bad behavior (and mood swings), I've decided it just needs to stop all together. We all have our bad days, and yes our friends are there for us on these bad days, but it shouldn't be all the time. We sometimes need to suck it up, smile through the bullshit and tired and be happy. It's tough but once we make it a habit, it won't seem like effort anymore.
I am thanking my friends for showing me how to smile through the tired, the bullshit and the frustration. I am turning over a new leaf and learning to be more like them. Again, thank you for putting up with me thus far, and I will do my best to be a more pleasant and fun person from now on!!
-xoxo
So let's start by saying thank you to all my friends. Thank you for putting up with my constant complaints about being tired. Thank you for being understanding when I cancel or change our plans due to my crankiness. Thank you for offering me encouragement and motivation when I needed it the most. Thank you for being awesome friends!!
Honestly, my friends are my family. We have arguments, we sometimes don't like each other, but when the going gets tough, they stand by me no matter what. And that's important and definitely necessary in a friendship. Especially for me.
I have decided that I need an attitude adjustment. This decision has come after a long couple of weeks where I seem to always be tired, cranky, and full of complaints. I need to fix this. Especially when there are other people around me going through the same thing (if not more) that manage to be personable and friendly all the time. For example, my friend Sarah worked a night shift at the hospital from 11pm to 7am and then met us at 8am for a day of skiing. She was nothing but fun, energetic and friendly all day. And I was a piss pot. Not good at all. I aspire to be more like Sarah. Yes, I had worked for 15.5 hrs the day before but I still slept for 6 hrs before skiing and had no reason to take out my tiredness on everyone around me. I feel bad I might've ruined everyone's day. :-(
I find I have always had these moments where my inner bitch manages to get out and take over. I need to learn to control her. You'd think after all these years that'd I'd have learned how to manage that by now, but nope. Every so often she gets the best of me and I just give in - which isn't fair to my friends. And if any of you know me well, I hate when my friends are treated badly, especially when it's by me. I'm not good at forgiving myself...
So, instead of punishing myself and constantly apologizing to my friends for my bad behavior (and mood swings), I've decided it just needs to stop all together. We all have our bad days, and yes our friends are there for us on these bad days, but it shouldn't be all the time. We sometimes need to suck it up, smile through the bullshit and tired and be happy. It's tough but once we make it a habit, it won't seem like effort anymore.
I am thanking my friends for showing me how to smile through the tired, the bullshit and the frustration. I am turning over a new leaf and learning to be more like them. Again, thank you for putting up with me thus far, and I will do my best to be a more pleasant and fun person from now on!!
-xoxo
Thursday, March 11, 2010
Distance: Friend or Foe??
They say "absence makes the heart grow fonder", but personally I think it should've been "absence makes the heart go crazy". I am speaking from personal experience of course. If I could count the number of times I have found myself in a position where distance was a main factor in my relationship changing, well, I'd be out of fingers. And I'm not just talking about relationships with a boyfriend, I'm talking friendships too. I like to think I am good at corresponding and keeping up to date with friends whom I may not see regularly or ever really.
Just to make my point, let me tell you a story. In May of 2005, I travelled to Cancun, Mexico for one of those weeks of fun you never talk about again, because it was so much fun it now seems embarassing. On this delightful vacation, I met a lot of people from all walks of life, but became quick friends with Jess, a college student from Michigan. We ended up spending the whole week partying, tanning, and getting to know each other, and by the end of our time in sunny Mexico we decided to keep in touch. Now I know a lot of people will say "Let's keep in touch", have every intention of doing so and then get back to their old routine and just forget about it. I know I've done it. But something about Jess made me take the extra time out and write those emails, find her on Facebook and genuinely work at our friendship. Fast forward 5 years and we have only spent 2 weeks together - one of those weeks being our intial meeting in Cancun, the other week being her spring break trip to visit me in Mexico City. But we still maintain our friendship via email, Facebook, skype and telephone. I consider her one of my closest friends and would go out of my way to see her, talk with her and be there for her if she needed me.
Sadly though, our friendship story isn't common. And for a lot of people, the distance between them and the ones they are close to is necessary, if not vital, to the survival of their relationships. I seem to deal with my long-distance friendships pretty well. I consider the distance to be a test of our friendship and how much we need/want one another in each others lives. I guess the same could be said about a relationship with a significant other. However, for whatever reason, relationships with friends are never on the same emotional level as a relationship with a significant other.
Again, another true story. Now it's 2008 and I had just found out I was accepted into an internship in Malaga, Spain and would be moving there in a couple months. But I had just started a relationship with a man who I was falling in love with. Not exactly the best scenario to be in. In a fairytale, he would've moved with me to Spain and we would still be happy and together. But as we all know, life isn't a fairytale. In reality, we tried to make the effort to keep in touch as much as possible, talk on Skype and msn and make it work. Hell, we even planned on him moving to Spain at some point, us meeting in Canada for Christmas and so on. But reality set in after months of long-distance and not seeing each other in person, and it took it's toll on our relationship. We still remain very close friends today, but I'll always wonder "what if I never left Mexico?". But these are the type of questions I can't dwell on. It's just too hard.
There are obviously other factors as to why our relationship ended, besides the distance. I, of course, put in mountains of effort and to this day believe the relationship could've worked had we both really wanted it. So obviously I concluded that he didn't believe I was worth the wait and since this wasn't the first time in my life I had felt this way (because of a male), it has always been one of my biggest insecurities; an insecurity I had never revealed to anyone I was involved with.
I bet you're telling yourself "Wow, that's heavy stuff...". Well don't worry. The story gets better. The stories always get better...right??
At the moment, March 2010, I again find myself facing the possibility of a distance relationship. However, this time, I have already revealed my deep dark insecurity way back in the beginning of our relationship and he understands it. So this time is different. Right? I think it is. It has to be. Why would we knowingly put ourself in a familair hurtful situation where we know the outcome will only cause us pain and heartache??
This time though, I truly believe my boyfriend will make as much of an effort on our relationship as I will. And I am not terrified to jump back on the distance train. Yes, the last time hurt. Yes, it could hurt again. But anything worth having is worth the pain it might take to get it. And I completely, 100% believe this. I always will. This is because optimism is what drives us, what keeps us alive, and full of dreams. Without optimism, the world would just be a dark, sad, and lonely place with no smiles, rainbows or laughter. And who would ever want to live like that??
-xoxo
Just to make my point, let me tell you a story. In May of 2005, I travelled to Cancun, Mexico for one of those weeks of fun you never talk about again, because it was so much fun it now seems embarassing. On this delightful vacation, I met a lot of people from all walks of life, but became quick friends with Jess, a college student from Michigan. We ended up spending the whole week partying, tanning, and getting to know each other, and by the end of our time in sunny Mexico we decided to keep in touch. Now I know a lot of people will say "Let's keep in touch", have every intention of doing so and then get back to their old routine and just forget about it. I know I've done it. But something about Jess made me take the extra time out and write those emails, find her on Facebook and genuinely work at our friendship. Fast forward 5 years and we have only spent 2 weeks together - one of those weeks being our intial meeting in Cancun, the other week being her spring break trip to visit me in Mexico City. But we still maintain our friendship via email, Facebook, skype and telephone. I consider her one of my closest friends and would go out of my way to see her, talk with her and be there for her if she needed me.
Sadly though, our friendship story isn't common. And for a lot of people, the distance between them and the ones they are close to is necessary, if not vital, to the survival of their relationships. I seem to deal with my long-distance friendships pretty well. I consider the distance to be a test of our friendship and how much we need/want one another in each others lives. I guess the same could be said about a relationship with a significant other. However, for whatever reason, relationships with friends are never on the same emotional level as a relationship with a significant other.
Again, another true story. Now it's 2008 and I had just found out I was accepted into an internship in Malaga, Spain and would be moving there in a couple months. But I had just started a relationship with a man who I was falling in love with. Not exactly the best scenario to be in. In a fairytale, he would've moved with me to Spain and we would still be happy and together. But as we all know, life isn't a fairytale. In reality, we tried to make the effort to keep in touch as much as possible, talk on Skype and msn and make it work. Hell, we even planned on him moving to Spain at some point, us meeting in Canada for Christmas and so on. But reality set in after months of long-distance and not seeing each other in person, and it took it's toll on our relationship. We still remain very close friends today, but I'll always wonder "what if I never left Mexico?". But these are the type of questions I can't dwell on. It's just too hard.
There are obviously other factors as to why our relationship ended, besides the distance. I, of course, put in mountains of effort and to this day believe the relationship could've worked had we both really wanted it. So obviously I concluded that he didn't believe I was worth the wait and since this wasn't the first time in my life I had felt this way (because of a male), it has always been one of my biggest insecurities; an insecurity I had never revealed to anyone I was involved with.
I bet you're telling yourself "Wow, that's heavy stuff...". Well don't worry. The story gets better. The stories always get better...right??
At the moment, March 2010, I again find myself facing the possibility of a distance relationship. However, this time, I have already revealed my deep dark insecurity way back in the beginning of our relationship and he understands it. So this time is different. Right? I think it is. It has to be. Why would we knowingly put ourself in a familair hurtful situation where we know the outcome will only cause us pain and heartache??
This time though, I truly believe my boyfriend will make as much of an effort on our relationship as I will. And I am not terrified to jump back on the distance train. Yes, the last time hurt. Yes, it could hurt again. But anything worth having is worth the pain it might take to get it. And I completely, 100% believe this. I always will. This is because optimism is what drives us, what keeps us alive, and full of dreams. Without optimism, the world would just be a dark, sad, and lonely place with no smiles, rainbows or laughter. And who would ever want to live like that??
-xoxo
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
The Bitter Train: Reservation for one?
So here's my latest thought: why do we, as women, constantly complain that we can't find an attentive, caring, sensitive yet funny guy, but then when we FINALLY find a guy who meets our criteria, we for some reason push him away by finding 'flaws'?? It's as though we would rather remain bitter than actually allow ourselves to be happy...weird no?
Personally, I have found myself in this situation more than once which is why I ask this question. And somehow I always find a way to convince myself that my loser ex-boyfriend was better for me than the guy I am currently with...why?! I'm not kidding. This is a seriously annoying issue for me. I am not a fan of the fact that my friends and I will sit and bitch and complain about the fact we've dated nothing but crappy guys, but yet can not manage to see the light, or get off the bitter train long enough to see the awesomeness on the other side!
Yes, I've ridden on the bitter train. Actually, I think I've had a box reserved in my name because you never know when you'll be back on the bitter train. But actually, on that note: do we ever really get off it?
Do we not, as women, compare all our boyriends against one another? Do we not mentally calculate all the pros and cons between them and wish that maybe our current BF has some attribute one of our exes did? Why?! Why can we not be happy with what we have, when we have it?? Is the bitter train that awesome? Is the ride worth not being happy ever again? Or do we simply keep our reservation on the bitter train as a backup? And there's that question again: WHY????
I feel that women, some women of course, need to have something to complain about otherwise they can't appreciate what they have. Or maybe that's just my optimism shining through. Yes, optimism. I like to think of myself as an optimistic person when it comes to relationships. I mean obviously I've had my heart ripped out and thrown under a MAC truck, but in reality who hasn't? Have you ever met someone that didn't have their own sob story of a nasty, hurtful, tear-jerking breakup?? So, aren't we, men and women alike, all in the same position?? We have all been hurt by someone we loved or cared for, yet we still choose to get out there and try again. So why can't we just let go of all our past heartaches and start fresh?
If you think about it, we start over with jobs, houses and sometimes friendships too so why are these easier to come to terms with? I know I keep asking questions, and not supplying answers but there isn't one simple answer. Everyone has their own reasons for riding the bitter train, and we are all in control of how much we ride it. Some of us never get off it. Someone us even try to recruit our friends to join us. But regardless, we have ALL been there. I am simply saying that women tend to stay on the bitter train a little longer than men. We are just built differently, and unfortunately, sometimes our emotions get the worst of us. We just need to adapt and learn from every ride on the bitter train.
It is very hard to get off the bitter train, let go of your permanent reservation and allow yourself to be happy. But once you do, the benefits of happiness far outweigh ANY and ALL rides on the bitter train. Believe me, I know.
I've been there. I am there.
Happiness is the single most satsifying emotion, so why avoid it? Just sit back and enjoy one of the best rides of your life.
-xoxo
Personally, I have found myself in this situation more than once which is why I ask this question. And somehow I always find a way to convince myself that my loser ex-boyfriend was better for me than the guy I am currently with...why?! I'm not kidding. This is a seriously annoying issue for me. I am not a fan of the fact that my friends and I will sit and bitch and complain about the fact we've dated nothing but crappy guys, but yet can not manage to see the light, or get off the bitter train long enough to see the awesomeness on the other side!
Yes, I've ridden on the bitter train. Actually, I think I've had a box reserved in my name because you never know when you'll be back on the bitter train. But actually, on that note: do we ever really get off it?
Do we not, as women, compare all our boyriends against one another? Do we not mentally calculate all the pros and cons between them and wish that maybe our current BF has some attribute one of our exes did? Why?! Why can we not be happy with what we have, when we have it?? Is the bitter train that awesome? Is the ride worth not being happy ever again? Or do we simply keep our reservation on the bitter train as a backup? And there's that question again: WHY????
I feel that women, some women of course, need to have something to complain about otherwise they can't appreciate what they have. Or maybe that's just my optimism shining through. Yes, optimism. I like to think of myself as an optimistic person when it comes to relationships. I mean obviously I've had my heart ripped out and thrown under a MAC truck, but in reality who hasn't? Have you ever met someone that didn't have their own sob story of a nasty, hurtful, tear-jerking breakup?? So, aren't we, men and women alike, all in the same position?? We have all been hurt by someone we loved or cared for, yet we still choose to get out there and try again. So why can't we just let go of all our past heartaches and start fresh?
If you think about it, we start over with jobs, houses and sometimes friendships too so why are these easier to come to terms with? I know I keep asking questions, and not supplying answers but there isn't one simple answer. Everyone has their own reasons for riding the bitter train, and we are all in control of how much we ride it. Some of us never get off it. Someone us even try to recruit our friends to join us. But regardless, we have ALL been there. I am simply saying that women tend to stay on the bitter train a little longer than men. We are just built differently, and unfortunately, sometimes our emotions get the worst of us. We just need to adapt and learn from every ride on the bitter train.
It is very hard to get off the bitter train, let go of your permanent reservation and allow yourself to be happy. But once you do, the benefits of happiness far outweigh ANY and ALL rides on the bitter train. Believe me, I know.
I've been there. I am there.
Happiness is the single most satsifying emotion, so why avoid it? Just sit back and enjoy one of the best rides of your life.
-xoxo
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