Truth Hurts.

You know that feeling when you just know something is missing? Do you ever frantically search your house, or purse or car, looking for something you might have left behind or forgot to do? Would you ever think that maybe that something missing might never be found?

I know, depressing thought right? Well, truth hurts. We all know this to be true.

I am in the middle of this dilemma. And it's the worst timing ever - not that I've been known to have excellent timing with anything. :-)

Here I am, in the middle of a rigorous, but amazing opportunity to development my skills as a journalist, and I keep getting distracted by myself. This is supremely frustrating. Because, I can't tell myself to go away. I can't turn my brain off. I can't check out for awhile...unfortunately, my only option is to face myself and ask the question: what's missing?

When I received my acceptance letter into this program I figured once September came, I would be happy, and vibrant and back to being me! I love stress, I love deadlines, and I love writing. So where's my issue?? That's when I figured it out: my issue is within.

But, how do I figure out what's missing? Well, I'm not that complicated - although some of my friends might disagree. I know that the emptiness, the feeling of something missing is simply a partner.

I miss the feeling of having someone there for me. Someone who will be my crutch on difficult days. That one person who just knows what you need to get you motivated. Do I know who this person is? No. That would definitely make things easier. I only know the feelings I've had before, the emotions I want to feel again.

Am I optimistic I can find it again? ABSOLUTELY! If I wasn't...well...that would just be disappointing. And lonely. And sad. Strangely enough, those are some emotions I feel these days - when I'm not busy at work or school.

I need to find a way to let them out. Let them be expressed, either verbally, physically or emotionally. Because as we all know: bottled up emotions always come out much stronger than they how they started. Especially mine.

I'll find my way. I'll find my missing link. I know it. I'm strong so I'll survive until I find that link, that missing "something" or someone. That one who just completes. Yes, I know that sounds sappy. But again, truth hurts.

And we should always tell the truth - especially to ourselves.

- xoxo

Let Go.

I don't really know how to explain how I'm feeling. It's like anxiety, sadness and stress all at once. Considering the situation, these might seem strange...but for me they're perfectly normal, albeit slightly unwelcome.

All I can say is: breakups suck. They never really end. Not for me anyways. We might not be together anymore, and we might not be a couple and in love, but I feel like I will always have an emotional connection to any man I date. Once I've had a relationship with someone, I will always reflect back on our time together, whether it was good or bad, and how it made me feel. Being human, I, of course, tend to remember the good times more than the bad times - for these I have my friends. But with every new wall post, or news feed listing on Facebook, my heart aches and yearns for that man, and for when we were happy together.

Maybe this is because I'm not seriously seeing anyone yet, and he seems to have moved on? Maybe it's because I don't feel like I got closure? Or maybe it's simply because I don't believe he truly understands how much he hurt me, and how much I still hurt because of him?

I'm not being naive. I know we are not good together and I know us breaking up was probably the best thing for us. But still. You always wonder, "what if things went differently" right? At least I do.

To put a positive spin on this depressing story, the fact that I hold everyone I've been involved with close, only tells me I put all of myself into the relationship. That makes me smile. See, I've strived to open up with men. So, my emotional attachment and heartache towards my last 2 boyfriends can be spun positively that I am learning to open up and take chances.

But, this doesn't solve my dilemma. I hate that every time I see his name, or hear one similar, a memory is triggered and all the emotions come back to me. I will admit, I have days where I am stronger and more confident, and so I are more apt to fend off the urge to cry or shutdown. But every so often, I am hit with a fresh batch of emotions when I least expect it. When this happens: Game Over.

What can I say? I'm only human. A female human at that. We feel. We analyze. We can be pains in the asses with our feelings. But, we are who we are, and there's no changing that. Not now anyways. I have to learn to accept my emotions and memories as a part of who I am and why I do what I do. But I also need to learn to LET GO.

Let me say it again. I have to LET GO. Wow, it makes me feel empowered.

Just like deleting him as a friend was empowering. Do I feel a bit guilty about it? Of course. Was it necessary for me to let go and move on? Absolutely.

Maybe one day I'll be strong enough to add him as a friend again. But for right now I need to focus on me, and not him. And the only way I know how to do this is to get rid of all reminders of him. I guess that sounds harsh. And it's not something I would usually do. But like I said, I have a problem letting go. This is a first step. A necessary one.

Letting go. What a concept. So simple in theory. But in application: much, much, much harder. And I would have to say, more emotional. I am ready to go through this process. I know I have a strong support system in my friends. And in myself. My strength is in there. She's slowly coming to the surface. One day she'll be set free. And what an amazing feeling that will be. One I look forward to and will be ready to embrace.

- xoxo

Revelations.

I always find it interesting to discover that when I get what I think I want, I find I don't really want it anymore. Is this normal? Or am I just seriously challenged?

Let me explain.

I have always been searching for something more with a guy - the passion, comfort and intimacy you can only find once in a blue moon.

I have been back on POF for a couple months now, and have been chatting with a number of guys. A few of them I was talking to simply to talk to - I never had any intention of actually meeting them and taking "our relationship" further. This is mean, I know. But I wanted the attention. Again, mean, sad and very pathetic.

Now I find myself in a place of limbo where I am excited to hear from a guy and want to talk to them more and more, but the idea of actually taking it to the one on one dating level - not so appealing. Or maybe just not with that guy...

As much as we all say looks aren't everything, they are important. This I know from personal experience. If you there isn't any sexual attraction then the relationship won't be what I want.

I'm not talking about having sex all the time right away - not that I'm against that - but I need to want them. And vice versa. I have met some very awesome guys, with great personality and we have the best conversations, but there's zip going on anywhere. And no offense to them, but I'm not looking for another guy friend - I have enough.

I want more. I need more. I deserve more.

I want someone who I click with on every level. And I think this is possible - mainly b/c I've had it before, and I refuse to believe it can't happen more than once.

I'm older, wiser and definitely more in tune with what I am looking for a partner in my life: someone who is my best friend, lover and rock all at once.

It is possible I know. But should I alter my expectations to get what I want? Personally, attraction is huge, and absolutely, you need to have a desirable personality - believe me there are those beautiful men out there with such ugly personalities I won't go near them.

Just a happy medium is all I'm asking. Maybe it's too much.

Or maybe I shouldn't settle for what I can get. Maybe I need to be patient, stick it out, believe in myself and just let it happen. Everyone is always telling me to live in the present.

Now seems as good a time to start right?

- xoxo