To travel: yes or no?

What do you do when you have no idea what step to take next?

And on that note, how am I supposed to know what the next step to take? It's not like life came with a guidebook...wouldn't that make life easier though?

Just imagine it: here is an outline of how you should TRY to live your life, what age to try drugs for the first time, have sex for the first time, drink alcohol, drive, etc.

Man, wouldn't that take all the fun out of life!!!

However, sometimes that is how life can feel. You know the feeling: you've graduated from University (first, second or third time doesn't matter), and now it is just 'normal' to start in your career, settle down with the love of your life, buy a house and a car, and start a family.

Why is this the norm?

Not that I have anything against. Au contraire, I would like this life one day. But I'm not rushing myself, and I'm certainly not going to put that kind of pressure on myself.

Because I might end with something I don't really want.

Shouldn't we pursue our passions, be it music, travel, dancing, writing, whatever. Shouldn't we be celebrated because we are happy in our lives with what we are doing and how we are living.

I often feel like I am judged - maybe judged is the wrong word - pitied, felt sorry for when people hear my educational background and yet I am working at a coffee shop making minimum wage. Maybe I like it. Maybe I'm not ready yet to jump into the real world, or maybe, just maybe, I am not ready to settle for a job that will simply pay the bills but won't make me happy.

Or maybe it's all of the above. Tough spot to be in right?

Unfortunately, I am finding it is a common spot for a lot of people my age. There are some of us mid-20's who are happily married with kids and a career. There are others who have started in their career and are now looking to find someone to settle down with. And then there are those of us, who are stuck in the middle: want to find our careers, want to settle down, but still want to have that carefree travel lifestyle.

It's almost like we think that having a career/family will keep us from travelling. And maybe, this is partly true. It is a lot harder to travel when you have responsibilities waiting for you when you come back.

I think that is the hardest part of travelling: coming back to reality.

I am never a fan of coming home, but who is? Back to the bills, the drama of work, the mundaness of a scheduled life.

But it is how it is; at least in this country. I remember living in Mexico City and people were so open and carefree. Yes, they worked hard but they played harder. They made all the hard work worth it by making any night of the week a special week, or just getting out of town for the weekend. Maybe some of them don't have fancy cars, or homes, or material items, but they can say they are living a full life.

I can honestly say my one year in Mexico was the most I have ever lived. A full emotional, cultural and social experience. If you've ever lived abroad, you'll understand that.

There is something to be said for breaking the mold, not settling down in your hometown and taking the stable 9-5 job. There is something to be said for draining your savings, jumping on a plane and seeing what your next adventure holds. That takes guts. And it takes strength.

Now I am wondering, do I have the guts, the strength and the patience to go through it all again. My heart says yes, my head says no.

Man I hate when reality rears it's ugly head.

- xoxo

Conformity?

I've come to realize - and not for the first time - that I am happy with who I am. This may seem like an egotistical statement for sure, but for me it's something I've needed to be able to believe far years now.

I have always believed that once I was comfortable with who I am, and what I want in life, that everything else would fall into place. And, of course, like most well-laid plans, it hasn't quite happened that way.

Now, I know I'm not a patient person, but this is getting a little ridiculous!!

I mean, everywhere I look, there are couples...whether they are just starting out, or taking another step in their relationship, they are everywhere, and maybe it's b/c it's spring I don't know, but I have definitely noticed more of them EVERYWHERE!!!

And I just want to be one of them. I have never been someone to conform and wear labels - I don't own anything from Lululemon or Apple - but this is one label I want: a couple.

I am dying to be labelled as a couple.

Can you smell it on me? Does it smell like desperation? Maybe that's why people stay away?

Whatever the reason, it happens. I get too excited right away and then nada.

Or maybe, as I keep hearing, it's not the right time. But that has been the story of my life, and frankly, I'm getting a little tired of that excuse.

Because that's exactly what it is: an excuse.

For a girl who has always tried to stand out in rhe crowd and be original, I feel like I am blending in pretty well right now. Too well in fact.

I guess I just need to have faith in the thought that "Mr. Right" or whatever, will be able to see me through all the crap out there.

I guess, again, the bottom line here is trust and patience. The 2 things I have struggled with my entire life.

I guess I'm bound to believe in them sooner or later, right?

- xoxo

Awakening the soul.

There is nothing quite like being in a new place, surrounded by different people and sharing stories. It is such a liberating and eye-opening experience. I feel so open, alive, awake.

Travel ocean I'vawakens my soul. It gets me out of my comfort zone and shows me all the love and life there is in the world. And I want nothing more than to be apart of it.

If I could travel for the rest of my life, I would. If I could live in a different country every year, I would. Every country, city and town I have visited has left it's mark on me in some way - whether it be a great love, an amazing experience or simply the uniqueness of it, I will always remember every place I have been.

And isn't that something we should all strive for?

I feel that we should really experience our lives. The sadness and despair, happiness and joy. Every experience should be embraced and learned from.

If we do nothing to learn from prior experiences, and we remain the exact same person our entire lives, we aren't truly living.

Life is all about learning, loving and joy. Regardless of how these happen, they still happen. Like the famous quote: "Every cloud has a silver lining", that is how I approach life. And especially travel.

I travel to see the world. To learn more about myself. And to learn more about others.

Life isn't always about our own self, but rather the people, places and things we do experience and have relationships with. That is travel.

And that is life. Travelling fills my life with such joy and hope and I only hope to do more of it. Because why wouldn't I want to live my life to it's fullest?

- xoxo

Frenemies?

I want to rid myself of all this...negativity. I have all this pent up jealousy, disappointment, competitiveness and anger towards someone that should in all regards be one of my closest friends. But for whatever reason, my own or others, we're not - at least, not in my opinion.

My jealousy stems from the fact that my friend seems to be able to jump from relationship to relationship without any semblance of mourning period. They might have their own way of mourning or getting over a relationship - god knows we all do - but I am jealous that they are able to move one and open themselves up so easily after a break-up. I crawl back into my protective shell and don't come out until I feel I have a good grip on who I am, what I want and who I am looking to share my life.

Maybe this is a downfall of mine? Or maybe it's just me and I need to just accept that I have my own ways and so do they. So why can't I?

Why can't I just let the mistakes my friends make be their own lessons to learn, instead of feeling disappointed in them and having that disappointment affect our relationship?

Well, to be fair, it's affected my view on the relationship. I haven't talked to this person in awhile and have sort of avoided seeing them b/c until now I wasn't able to figure out the reasons why I felt anger towards them.

Is this completely fair? No. Is it my own way of doing things? Yes. Hmm, maybe I should not be a hypocrit? Sigh.

I know I should talk to them, especially if the relationship is something I consider important to me; this idea in of itself is up for discussion in my head.

Background: this isn't the first instance of a 'break' in our friendship. There have been other times. And the reasons behind them were never discussed until both parties were in a different place and over it.

I just don't know if I can keep going through this pattern.

I don't feel I gain anything from the friendship - and yes, I know it's not all about me - and I do feel like I could easily walk away and not be affected.

Isn't that saying a lot?

But should I still to talk them? Tell them how I'm feeling? Do I owe them at least a conversation? It feels so much like a break-up, and I hate break-ups. Actually, I hate anything that could be deemed a confrontation.

But it is a reality of life that suck situations come up and need to be addressed.

I guess I should grow up, "man up" and bite the bullet. Maybe it means something I don't want to bring it up, like maybe I do care about the friendship?

Who knows. I only know that I need to deal with this somehow. I need to not be affected every time I see a picture of them.

I need to make me better. That's priority one. Oh the pains and lessons of growing up hey?

- xoxo

Selfish?

Why is it that I always feel bored when I’m not doing 100 things all at once? I like being busy, and having lots going on, but I also like down time. But, lately it seems like I have been having too much down time. Enough to make me frustrated and sad. Which, I know, isn’t a normal reaction to rest and relaxation.

I guess I just want it to be easy. I want to find a job, and I want to like it. Actually, no, I don’t even care right now if I like it. I just want all my hard work and education to actually mean something.

I hate the pity looks I get when I mention my education and then why I’m working a minimum wage at Starbucks. And it’s not that I don’t like Starbucks, because I do.

But I want more.

Man, how selfish do I sound?

Here I am in an apartment, with luxuries that some people, like my sister Kyley doesn’t have and sometimes loses – like her electricity and water. I feel like I take for granted so much of what I have and yet, I want more.

I want more money, but it’s not because I want to go out and buy all the fancy new toys that everyone else seems to be able to affordable somehow. I don’t know how they do it.

I work 40 hours a week, and all my money goes towards my visa bill, rent and utilities, which doesn’t seem like a lot to most people, but for me it is. And any extra money I have, I use to travel.

Travelling keeps me alive. It brings me to this place in my heart that makes sense, where everything is right.

Maybe I’m not meant to have a home, with ‘stuff’ and a nice car and the newest phone. Maybe I meant to travel the world and return home when I need reminding of how lucky I am to live where I live.

I just don’t know how to get where I want to be. It’s like the idea and the dream is hanging just a little out of my reach and all I need is one last big push to grab it, but I am at a loss as to how to get that push.

I’m exhausted from trying to prove myself – to who I don’t know – but I feel like that is what I am doing every day, all day. I just want to be able to say I am happy in my life, and not be lying a little bit. I mean I know we can’t have it all, but I don’t feel like I’m asking for much.

Is happiness really that much to ask for?

- xoxo