Frenemies?

I want to rid myself of all this...negativity. I have all this pent up jealousy, disappointment, competitiveness and anger towards someone that should in all regards be one of my closest friends. But for whatever reason, my own or others, we're not - at least, not in my opinion.

My jealousy stems from the fact that my friend seems to be able to jump from relationship to relationship without any semblance of mourning period. They might have their own way of mourning or getting over a relationship - god knows we all do - but I am jealous that they are able to move one and open themselves up so easily after a break-up. I crawl back into my protective shell and don't come out until I feel I have a good grip on who I am, what I want and who I am looking to share my life.

Maybe this is a downfall of mine? Or maybe it's just me and I need to just accept that I have my own ways and so do they. So why can't I?

Why can't I just let the mistakes my friends make be their own lessons to learn, instead of feeling disappointed in them and having that disappointment affect our relationship?

Well, to be fair, it's affected my view on the relationship. I haven't talked to this person in awhile and have sort of avoided seeing them b/c until now I wasn't able to figure out the reasons why I felt anger towards them.

Is this completely fair? No. Is it my own way of doing things? Yes. Hmm, maybe I should not be a hypocrit? Sigh.

I know I should talk to them, especially if the relationship is something I consider important to me; this idea in of itself is up for discussion in my head.

Background: this isn't the first instance of a 'break' in our friendship. There have been other times. And the reasons behind them were never discussed until both parties were in a different place and over it.

I just don't know if I can keep going through this pattern.

I don't feel I gain anything from the friendship - and yes, I know it's not all about me - and I do feel like I could easily walk away and not be affected.

Isn't that saying a lot?

But should I still to talk them? Tell them how I'm feeling? Do I owe them at least a conversation? It feels so much like a break-up, and I hate break-ups. Actually, I hate anything that could be deemed a confrontation.

But it is a reality of life that suck situations come up and need to be addressed.

I guess I should grow up, "man up" and bite the bullet. Maybe it means something I don't want to bring it up, like maybe I do care about the friendship?

Who knows. I only know that I need to deal with this somehow. I need to not be affected every time I see a picture of them.

I need to make me better. That's priority one. Oh the pains and lessons of growing up hey?

- xoxo