Selfish?

Why is it that I always feel bored when I’m not doing 100 things all at once? I like being busy, and having lots going on, but I also like down time. But, lately it seems like I have been having too much down time. Enough to make me frustrated and sad. Which, I know, isn’t a normal reaction to rest and relaxation.

I guess I just want it to be easy. I want to find a job, and I want to like it. Actually, no, I don’t even care right now if I like it. I just want all my hard work and education to actually mean something.

I hate the pity looks I get when I mention my education and then why I’m working a minimum wage at Starbucks. And it’s not that I don’t like Starbucks, because I do.

But I want more.

Man, how selfish do I sound?

Here I am in an apartment, with luxuries that some people, like my sister Kyley doesn’t have and sometimes loses – like her electricity and water. I feel like I take for granted so much of what I have and yet, I want more.

I want more money, but it’s not because I want to go out and buy all the fancy new toys that everyone else seems to be able to affordable somehow. I don’t know how they do it.

I work 40 hours a week, and all my money goes towards my visa bill, rent and utilities, which doesn’t seem like a lot to most people, but for me it is. And any extra money I have, I use to travel.

Travelling keeps me alive. It brings me to this place in my heart that makes sense, where everything is right.

Maybe I’m not meant to have a home, with ‘stuff’ and a nice car and the newest phone. Maybe I meant to travel the world and return home when I need reminding of how lucky I am to live where I live.

I just don’t know how to get where I want to be. It’s like the idea and the dream is hanging just a little out of my reach and all I need is one last big push to grab it, but I am at a loss as to how to get that push.

I’m exhausted from trying to prove myself – to who I don’t know – but I feel like that is what I am doing every day, all day. I just want to be able to say I am happy in my life, and not be lying a little bit. I mean I know we can’t have it all, but I don’t feel like I’m asking for much.

Is happiness really that much to ask for?

- xoxo