Let Go.

I don't really know how to explain how I'm feeling. It's like anxiety, sadness and stress all at once. Considering the situation, these might seem strange...but for me they're perfectly normal, albeit slightly unwelcome.

All I can say is: breakups suck. They never really end. Not for me anyways. We might not be together anymore, and we might not be a couple and in love, but I feel like I will always have an emotional connection to any man I date. Once I've had a relationship with someone, I will always reflect back on our time together, whether it was good or bad, and how it made me feel. Being human, I, of course, tend to remember the good times more than the bad times - for these I have my friends. But with every new wall post, or news feed listing on Facebook, my heart aches and yearns for that man, and for when we were happy together.

Maybe this is because I'm not seriously seeing anyone yet, and he seems to have moved on? Maybe it's because I don't feel like I got closure? Or maybe it's simply because I don't believe he truly understands how much he hurt me, and how much I still hurt because of him?

I'm not being naive. I know we are not good together and I know us breaking up was probably the best thing for us. But still. You always wonder, "what if things went differently" right? At least I do.

To put a positive spin on this depressing story, the fact that I hold everyone I've been involved with close, only tells me I put all of myself into the relationship. That makes me smile. See, I've strived to open up with men. So, my emotional attachment and heartache towards my last 2 boyfriends can be spun positively that I am learning to open up and take chances.

But, this doesn't solve my dilemma. I hate that every time I see his name, or hear one similar, a memory is triggered and all the emotions come back to me. I will admit, I have days where I am stronger and more confident, and so I are more apt to fend off the urge to cry or shutdown. But every so often, I am hit with a fresh batch of emotions when I least expect it. When this happens: Game Over.

What can I say? I'm only human. A female human at that. We feel. We analyze. We can be pains in the asses with our feelings. But, we are who we are, and there's no changing that. Not now anyways. I have to learn to accept my emotions and memories as a part of who I am and why I do what I do. But I also need to learn to LET GO.

Let me say it again. I have to LET GO. Wow, it makes me feel empowered.

Just like deleting him as a friend was empowering. Do I feel a bit guilty about it? Of course. Was it necessary for me to let go and move on? Absolutely.

Maybe one day I'll be strong enough to add him as a friend again. But for right now I need to focus on me, and not him. And the only way I know how to do this is to get rid of all reminders of him. I guess that sounds harsh. And it's not something I would usually do. But like I said, I have a problem letting go. This is a first step. A necessary one.

Letting go. What a concept. So simple in theory. But in application: much, much, much harder. And I would have to say, more emotional. I am ready to go through this process. I know I have a strong support system in my friends. And in myself. My strength is in there. She's slowly coming to the surface. One day she'll be set free. And what an amazing feeling that will be. One I look forward to and will be ready to embrace.

- xoxo