Why?

There is always that lingering question with anything that happens in our lives of why me, why us, why now, searching and wondering for a reason why we lost someone we love.

I can think of nothing worse.

Losing someone who is close to is like losing a piece of your heart. And when there is now explanation, no reason, it is hard to come to terms with it.

A couple of years ago, I lost a piece of my heart. One of the cornerstones actually. And I while I no longer cry at a Wendy's frosty commercial, and I can now drink slurpees and listen to Tupac again, I will never be completely at piece as to why this man is gone.

He was in the military. And he died a hero.

For what reason, this is not enough of an explanation. It is not enough to me to hear people say he died for his country and he will always be remember for his selflessness, his courage and his valor.

I will never understand why people put themselves in that line of work. I get the premise behind it for sure. But in my heart, I could never be that person. I could never give my life for my country; maybe that makes me selfish.

Or maybe I miss my friend. My brother really. I miss his laugh. I miss our midnight slurpee runs where we would spend hours just walking and talking. I miss knowing he is only a phone call away. I miss his hugs when I am feeling blue - like right now.

However, when I think about the alternative outcome, a possible paralysis that would've inhibited him from enjoying his life and doing the things he loved, I think maybe that would've been worse...?

I guess I don't know. I can't argue what could've been because he is gone. He will never play hockey again. He will never show up at my house with a frosty and a smile. And he will never tell me he loves me again. And I guess I miss the strength he gave me to be brave, to push through the hard times and to come out of it smiling.

I know he is with me always and I feel him everyday in the little ways he reminds me of our friendship, our love and our bond.

But really, without a reason as to why he was taken so young and so soon, I don't know if I can ever really come to terms with his being gone. He will always be a what if for me; and that is what hurts the most.

The wondering of what could've been and the future we could've had. Together.

- xoxo