Realizations.

Well, it's been a long time. What can I say - life has been busy.

Let me start with the most important realization: the man I have been in love with for the last 3 years doesn't love me the same way I love him.

It was heartbreaking to say the least. And what's worse is he doesn't even realize how much he hurt me - again. Yes, again. I let this happen to me twice by the same person.

Did I have it coming? Maybe. Do I deserve it? No. Absolutely not.

The positive side of this is I can finally move on, and actually move on. I know I have talked a lot about how I am moving on and learning from my past relationships, but there was always one man I secretly wished I would end up with.

Now that I know in my heart, not just my head, that that will never be true, I sort of feel a wait has been lifted. Not that it was a happy moment for me. It was more of a 'heart breaking into a million pieces' kinda moment, and I am only now, 1 week later, starting to put the pieces back together.

I sort of knew that going back to Mexico City after 3 years was going to be one of those trips that would affect me once I came home. And it did. I did prepare myself for heartbreak, but really, nothing can prepare you for it. It's the most unpleasant feeling.

It's when you finally realize how much you really love someone, only to also acknowledge the fact you no longer have them in your life. What a slap in the face. Or at least that's how it felt for me.

But, I've gotten past the initial pity party and am trying desperately to not be angry at this man. He's not worth it, as I now know.

I need to just keep my focus on me and my happiness and not allow someone else to determine my happiness for me.

I don't know what the next 6 months holds for me - maybe I will be moving cities or countries - but I do know that I need to just let it all happen. Nothing holding me back, and no one to affect my decisions.

I am the only one who can make myself happy, so why not listen to what my heart wants?

- xoxo